But what I don't wonder about is if you miss your family or not..
that without a shadow of a doubt would be a dumb question.
I think your happy, your not suffering anymore, your with parents and loved ones we have lost before you.
I need you to know when you died I was mad, I was so angry with god for taking you, and I was mad with myself because It had been over a year since I had saw you last, I was angry because I didn't get to say goodbye. I remember a few days before calling and getting to talk to you , I said I love you Papa, and u said I love you Hedo. those were the last words u ever said to me.
My world like many of our family members crashed around us the day you left us.
I was still living in Vegas, and I remember the phone call from my dad saying you were gone.
I remember sleeping on my couch that night , I remember going to my bf's and asking him to help me get through the pain, take my mind off of it so we played Monopoly , and he did what he thought was best way to comfort me by playing this game , and giving me his sweatshirt to wear when I came back home so apart of him could be with me,
I remember getting on the plane ,with my uncles and almost being late for the plane. I remember sitting on the back of plane, listening to music and keeping all my feelings inside so I could be Strong for my Uncles and my mom when i would see her.
I remember driving into Kewanee, I remember getting out of the car and going to yours and grams house, I remember starring at it, walking in seeing people all around, the house was packed. I remember looking at your chair and wondering where u were as bad as I wanted to go to your room and tell you to come out and join the fun i know somewhere deep inside my heart i knew you were gone.
Then the rest of the week is a blur.. they say that grief is different for everyone, there's five stages of grief , I remember leaving and going back to vegas, I remember returning to my life, and I remember small things breaking me.. I would hear a grandpa on tv, or see a old man with a cane, or see a grandpa and his granddaughter and I would break, I broke down,..
i remember every time I had car problems I wondered what my life would be like if you were there to come and fix it for me.
I remember talking to a friend of mine who was over seas in Afghanistan fighting , I remember the talks Schuyler and I had about missing you, he took good care of me for 4 months he talked to me everyday and made sure I laughed, then like you he was taken from me..
In the matter of months I lost 2 of the most important men in my life, and I was a mess.
After that I lost a good part of me, a good part of who I was, who I am.
I never thought I would be back to normalcy , I tried everyday to move on, live my life the way i know you and him would both be telling me to do, but It was too much, It was too hard..
A piece of my heart broke when you died, and then another big chunk of my heart was broken after losing Schuyler, I lost myself for a year..
Here I am 7 years later and though I've picked up the piece of my life I still miss you more then I could ever write on here... (Writting here helps me get through the pain,helps me move on.)
There isn't a day .. A moment in the day that I don't think of my Papa...
The man who built me and my cousins a tire swing,the man who gave me my nickname Hedo, the man who smiled even when he was sad, the man who spent 14 years of his life fighting to stay alive for his Wife,his Kids, his Grandkids.. His Family..
Even though he never got any great grandkids I know if he would have he would have loved them just the same.
So to my Papa.. My friend, My Hero.. 7 Years seems like a lifetime ago.. Some days like today it seems like it was just now happening .. I well forever love you, and I well Never forget you . I love you Papa and I cant wait for the day when I see you again .. Until then when you miss us just look down from the heavens and let us know your watching ..
Until then our Hero you are..
