Two years later..The feelings of Why,How and goodbye..

Its been two years since my world has been upside down. I lost my grandpa John, Today 2 years ago.That was hard.I was always so close with him,he was easy to get along with and a man you wouldn't cross when he was angry.He was in the Army and he was so very proud of that.


He had a heart of Gold,and a Spirt that kept him alive for 74 almost 75 years.

Its been hell for the last 2 years and this was only the beginning....

I noticed in the first year that I wasn't me,and in that first year I wasn't truly been me,im more irritated faster,I'm more impatient,and im more unhappy.

I went through a hard time over the last 2 year's and in the first year ,Depression I fell into.

I was in pain,my heart was breaking I had Lost one of the most important people in my life,someone I grew up wanting to be like because he was so Strong and Loving,He was my Grandpa,and I loved him so very much..I still do.

He spoiled me Rotten,I was his first granddaughter and first grandchild,so I was spoiled..It helped I was there alot as well. Later on after he got sick I wasn't around as much,when I moved to Las Vegas I didn't know how I could leave and not know if my grandpa would make it a year,but he made it 7more years then anyone thought possible actually he made it 13 years longer then the doctors had given him.He wanted to spend time with his wife(my grandma Betty) he wanted to watch his 16 grandchildren grow up,I believe when his time was up on that fatal day October 19,2008 he was ready to go knowing we would all take care of Grandma and he would watch from Heaven I truly believe that. Not saying that in the begging I believed any of it, I was angry with God and with the doctors how come they couldn't save him why did god not let me go say goodbye why why before he turned 75 WHY?


Death is unreal and I don't understand it.Why have birth if in the end sooner or later before your time or way after you think you should be gone why is there DEATH? a question for the ages...

I know I'll see him again ..Someday

But for now I miss him all the time,I miss his hugs,I miss him saying he loved me,I miss me sitting on his lap and him teasing me.

I even miss him taking his false teeth out and scaring me with them.But most of all Papa I MISS U and I LOVE YOU

So for now Goodbye papa I love you and Ill see you again..One day

poetry

Words are Only Words until someone puts them as a letter or a Poem or a quote..here are a few poems(that dont ryhme) and quotes I love hope you Love-Written by me


-Reactions,tears,my smile now a frown.

My past,the Present and what future?

The distance,heart broken...

"One Day"
2-11-2007
One day Im going to wake up and I'll no longer be there for you when you need me,Or when you fall.And when that time comes,I hope you realize everything you once had with me. It was true and it was real.The Love I had for you was 3 1/2 years in the making.But I won't miss you cause finnally Ill be with a man who loves me for me and always wanted me.He will be the man who wont be afraid to say I love you.A man that well call me just to say I miss you and that man well never be you,Im just realizing the truth because after 3 1/2 years what makes me think you will change..because unfortanly I know you never will..


-"I miss you next to me Holding me,Are Past is such a lie..You never Loved me"-


This is all I got for now I hope you read it and enjoy it thanks for reading and please feel free to comment!

The mirror has no answers

I look in the mirror and the girl looking back at me,isn't the girl I remember,I used to look in the mirror and see a smile on my face,and my hazel eyes lit up,now I look in the mirror and I see someone who isn't happy,I see tears in my hazel eyes,and tear drops down my face.I used to question my emotions..but everytime something on tv about military or a Grandpa I lose it all..My heart aches and I cry,I look in mirror everyday for almost 2 years since I lost 2 important people in my life and I wonder how people who lose someone so special just move on and be them again..

I don't know how to look in mirror again and be happy,I cant find the smile I once had.I pray to god and ask him why,though I never figure out the truth behind it all.One day Ill meet him and Ill try to remember all the things I wanted to ask,but for now I look in the mirror and wonder where I went..I wonder why the person staring at me has a sad face,and I wonder why my heart keeps breaking.I try to look past the heartache cause I know there are people out there with more problems then I do..But I want to look in a mirror and remember how it felt to be happy..I want to look in that mirror and know that one day I will see them again,and I really want to look in the mirror and believe that one day Ill be able smile and return to who I was.But Most of all I want to believe that everything is possible,and that girl who once looked in the mirror and loved so very much,well one day be able to look in the mirror and not have tears in her eyes or running down her cheeks,and I want to be the girl who can watch a show about Grandpa's or the military and be able to smile .Most of all I want to be the girl who walks by a soldier and thanks them,and walk by a Grandpa and say I sure do miss you papa with out shedding a tear because Ill know then they are OKAY.<3

simple Life..

I used to think life was simple..that things in life were just what made life.But then I became an adult living in a big city with Big dreams and a whole lot of learning,left to do..7 years ago I moved from a tiny town to a town that would later swallow my dreams whole.I thought Id be a small fish in this big town..I became to realize that the life I wanted was back in that small town all along.That and my dreams weren't only slowly dieing from all the stress and pain but my hopes of ever getting out of this big town before it swallows me whole.

But Ive been here 7 years Ive made good friends and of course Ive made enemies,Ive fallen in Love once out here and I know that leaving him behind well be hard at first but if it was ever meant to be it would of happened.

Ive learned alot in this life..this short time of living here Ive learned more then I ever wanted to learn.Ive learned to deal with loss of losing pretty important people in my life and Ive also learned that time doesn't always heal all wounds.

Trip to Laughlin Nevada

February 15,2010-February 18,2010..

I drove down to Lauglin,Nevada to see my Great Aunt Etta and my Grandma Betty. They were staying at the Tropicana Hotel as my Aunt lives in AZ,and my Grandma lives in IL she was visiting why the nasty IL weather disappeared.And of course I live in Nevada..

I'm very close with my family Especially Grandma Betty,and I'm close as well with my Great Aunt Etta.






I love them both very much and so glad that I have them in my life.



As I drove down there alone afraid of driving through the Mountains and afraid of the twist and turns the roads took or that I would get Lost..But I made it safe and sound.
It was beautiful the weather was great and getting to see my grams and her sister was alot of fun.Of course we gambled and well I'm not a fan of it so I like most times I have to play and so I lose my money..That I'm so NOT a fan of...lol

But I got to spend some much needed one on one with my grandma,after her sister my aunt Etta left the next day,Grams and I slept in and then we walked to the mall that was only next store to our hotel. we now have a yearly tradition,we go to the mall and go inside the photo shoot box and take 4 pictures of us together,one normal and the rest hilarious pictures they sure do make us laugh!

last year when grams and I went to Laughlin Nevada it felt like we had went there to hide away from all the pain we were going through at least that's what it felt like me..But this year was different we were just down there to enjoy that we got Free Rooms and got to spend the much needed and well spent quality time together..

The next day would be different we would sleep in and gamble and then go sit down in the hot tub,,I was ready to go all day but My grandma's Neighbor was there,lets not begin with this story! LOL






But as the day went on I didn't share her much,and as you can probably tell I'm not a fan of sharing my Grandma..Don't know if that's her fault from me being the spoiled kid that she took care of while my parents worked or because I am the oldest grand kid.. either way I blame her and my Papa John !
;)
Once upon a time she and grandpa got me this sweatshirt that said Spoiled brat,and I never agreed,but somewhere in the back of my heart I know I am and hey its my right I was first born and first granddaughter,maybe its hard for me to share the people close to me but I know how to share clothes or food or friends..I just don't like sharing my Grams :) but I know I have too sometimes lol!
especially if its with Aunt Etta I can do that :)


All in all the trip was defiantly not long enough,but it was tons of fun I love my family and I thank god everyday I got them in my life..
I cant wait tell we do it again soon!
As we left that day,I didnt want to return to normal I wanted to stay on my Mini vacation for a bit longer but getting to spend the time with my family was what I really needed!

My sisters Big 18

ANDREA LEE
HAPPY 18TH BDAY
BABY SISTER
I LOVE YOU!!<3
Today 18 years ago I with rest of my family welcomed Andrea Lee to this world..April 7,1992 I cant believe where the time has possibly gone..



I was 9 and half at the time and had been a only child up until this day..




I was so excited for a sister I mean come on I had been an only child for 9 1/2 years,so this was gonna be fun and hard. I had my parents attention and alot would call me spoiled but I wouldn't ;)



I realized after awhile it was ok to have someone else have mom and dad's attention,and I knew from the moment she was born I would for the rest of my life protect her and guide her with whatever she needed me for.
So today is her 18th birthday and I'm not there to celebrate the big 18 with her,But I do remember 18 years ago how happy I was to hold her for the first time,shes been the best baby sister ever.We have fought,we have cried together,we have shared long lasting sister stories,and we have shared all the love that two sisters who might be living MILES away,or might have 9 and half years difference..
But we are as close as 2 twins are..I love my baby sister and even though I'm not there shes knows I love her.She knows that I want the very best for her..Shes gonna be graduating soon from high school ,and she well go on to College and then start her very own career as a photographer,and as the years goes on no matter what happens she well always be my baby sister and I well never let her down or let her fall..For you Andrea Lee are my baby sister and I well always be your big sister nothing and no one well ever come in between us..



Over the years Andrea has become more to me then just a sister,more then just a friend shes been my Best Friend,I never thought 18 years ago that 2 kids who were so far apart in age would be come this close but I was wrong,We have a bond alot of sisters have but I think ours is stronger because we are so far a part in age.
But anyways Andrea even though Ive been there for alot of bdays and this One is pretty special I just wish I was there..
You are and have always been my baby sister,and no matter if im 100 and ur 91 Ill still be calling you baby sister ;)

Thank you for comming in to my life 18 years ago cause I have IDEA where I would be right now if it isnt for the Love and BIG heart you have.. I LOVE YOU
So baby sister I love you and I hope you the best bday ever,and so so many more to come!!



















*Love, your Big Sis Heather*

some gave some...Some Gave ALL..THANK YOU

SOME GAVE SOME ,,Some GAVE ALL...

So this week at work I saw something that made my heart hurt,made me smile but I had tears in my eyes..Ive always wanted to say "Thank you for what you do" But for a year since I lost him..I couldn't I still cant. My Heart hurts seeing the colors,it hurts seeing them in Uniform and it hurts even more when I know none of them are him.

Everyday I wake up feeling like I have a whole in my heart,feeling that a part of me well never ever be whole again and I believe that my heart wont be whole again.

A conference of Soldiers as they stood in line waiting to be seated in my cafe my place of work,I looked around thinking how I want to say those words.."Thank you" but instead I couldnt speak..

I just stood there starring wondering if one of them could be him.. but deep down I knew they couldnt be because in my heart I knew he was in Heaven with my bestie Abby and My grandpa John,and so many other loved ones I have lost in the past.

But as the tears started to run down my face,I recalled how much he wouldnt want me to stand there and cry,how he would tell me that life would one day get better,and that Life one day well be easier for me to walk up to a soldier,A stranger ..but a man or woman fighting for this country and say those words I said to Sky every day.."Thank you,Thank you for what you do and eveything you have done."

So to all my Friends who are soldiers THANK YOU,I hope one day I can look you all in the eye and THANK YOU Personally..So may God Bless you and what you do..THANK YOU. Stay safe and I love you..

*Heather *

If I never get the chance to say it..Here it is before you go Into this War..

About 7 years ago I moved to Las Vegas,Nevada a month and half after I graduated. I remember my last few days like it was yesterday.It was Summer,June 2003, My baby sister had a softball game so we were all at the park. I had seen alot of my friends and family there,Then my Best Guy friend Benjamin,came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go with him to Burger King to get a bite to eat and then we would come back. I told him I was gonna stay here and then for some reason (like most times wed argue ) we got into a fight(don't recall what that was about) I told him if he didn't want to stay and hang with me and he'd rather go drive around town on my last night in Kewanee then go ahead leave..He left, about a half hour later I got a voicemail from my best friend Danielle,my phone hadn't rang it went straight to voice mail and it said Urgent My heart stopped,what happened and where is Ben at..She said Heather I'm by Burger king and Walmart Ben's been in a accident someone ran a red light,and his truck was upside down. I got hysterical and had my mom listen to it,she looked at me..Danielle hadn't said if he was ok or not my heart had stopped beating we had just got in a huge fight and he left angry oh my god was all I could think...I ran to his older sister and told her what I had heard she was the umpire that night at the softball game,she took off running across the field, and I was digging in my purse wondering why I couldn't find my car keys by the time I had found them his sister was there she YELLED HEATHER GET IN NOW.. I ran to her car jumped in and I swear she drove about 90 mph all the way there..Afraid for my own life but afraid of what happened to Benjamin.We got there and there was his upside down Truck,ambulance and a fire truck and a couple cop cars,then there was Ben standing tall like nothing happened..He ran to his sister and hugged her,and then he came to me..I'm so sorry Heather,and I cried..I'm sorry too.
He gave me his class ring that night,it would be a year later I would see him and give him his stuff back. That night made me realize how much I would miss him if he was gone.I thought he felt the same.
A year after living here in Vegas I got a call from him quite a bit. He told me he was going to be a Marnie,I was proud of him and knew it would only bring him Good things. He deserved the best.
A few months later he met a girl who would later become his wife,and I would never hear or see from him again.
But about a week ago I got the news he's going to be going to Afghanistan in May or June of 2010. I cried..I had lost my best guy friend 7 years ago but he's always been there..Now what would happened if he never came back..I knew from past experience losing someone I would never forgive myself for not being the bigger person. I wasn't going to lose another friend and not tell them how sorry I was for losing touch,r how proud I was of them I had let my friendship with Abby fade away into the distance,and then I lost her without being able to make things right again I wasn't going to let that happened with Benjamin. We had been through to much I only stayed away because I felt it was the right thing to do..But now I want him to know how proud of him I am,and after losing Schuyler to this war how important it is to come back safely and remember that he is and well always be a Hero..He is from the class of 2003 and we do have some Hero's I know and Love ...

Schuylers 1 year

February 24,2009

A day that my world turned upside down. ..FOREVER..

Life would never be the same..

I had just talked to him 2 days ago,how is he gone..Why would god take him..Why now he's just to YOUNG,he's only 25.So much life let do..
February 17,2009 Schuyler turned 25 I remember teasing him because he was as old as me now,and we laughed like we did most times. He said he was ready to come home,he wanted to visit me and help me move,he wanted me closer,I wanted the same. I was so ready to give my notice,until the day my world turned upside down.

For the next 24 hours on February 24th,2009 I cried,and Cried some more,not sure Id ever be able to believe everything that had just happened.

I love him,he told me he Loved me..We had been so close over the last 5 years that It was just impossible to know he was going to be gone forever. I went to work that night I found out,dazed and confused I walked in and sat down,my boss asked me what was wrong and I Cried.My food and beverage manager told him what had happened,and he walked me around for a bit trying to see if I could wake up from this nightmare,but I wasn't sleeping it was reality,he was gone and I would never get to see him or feel his loving embrace or listen to him laugh at me,or teasing me for crushing on him(as so many girls did I'm sure) we told each other everything,now I am lost,not sure who to talk to and who to trust,there just wasn't anyone I wanted more then him,,I needed him back.

A year has gone by and it feels like yesterday that my entire world fell apart.

I still wait for him to answer me on Yahoo messenger, I still have his phone number programed in my phone,I still wait for that day for him to say it was all a joke and that he was still here. A part of me knows that he well never come back Ill never get to see that smiling face or have those arms wrap around me again,Ill never see him alive again..Sometimes I know that sometimes I pray to god that it was just a nightmare. But Reality is hes gone and has been for a year..GOD HOW I MISS YOU SCHUYLER PATCH..HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU GOD ONLY KNOWS...

I try to move on daily,I wake up with a huge whole in my heart,where his love and laughter used to be.Alot of people lost a great person February 24,2009..

I know by far I wasn't the only one that lost you that fatal day but I cant help but know that things have and well never be the same without you here with me.

One Year has come and it well soon be just a distant memory.
Though many well never forget that day like myself,we well have it in the back of our minds forever.
I LOVE YOU SCHUYLER always...and forever
Heather N

P.S. You were mentioned and showed your picture on Nancy Grace this month I bet your up there going HOLY SHIT first I get the GOVERNOR at my funeral and then I get my name in the People Magazine now NANCY GRACE ( I can hear u say I ALWAYS KNEW ID BE FAMOUS ONE DAY) lol

I promised you that I would stop dwelling on the past and move on,and I have tried to do so every day but my heart still breaks for the people I've lost in my life..But I promise I'm doing the best I can..

To all the other families that have lost someone to this war,My God Bless you and Look over you..and to the other 3 that died with Sky this fatal day may your families always remember that you well forever be in there hearts and the hearts of the other soldiers and friends you've so sadly left behind..

-Heather-

The Beggining of the Long road back

February Last year,everything in my life seemed unreal.

Just 4 months before on October 19,2008 I had lost my Grandpa John,at the time I did'nt know how to deal,I knew my grandpa John was sick,he had been for years.But my family and I still needed him here on earth.I still needed him,he was the grandpa that spoiled us,the grandpa that teased us and the Grandpa that when we fell would comfort us. He was a AWESOME Grandpa,so when I talked to Schuyler after everything happened that day,he told me Heather..Its ok you have to be strong for him,so Id ask about him and his life,he never said much about the bs that was going on over there,but I knew it was crazy,I knew he wanted to complain too and some days he did, I worked graveyard at the time,so we talked via my cell phone on yahoo messenger and every time my phone buzzed I knew It was him. We talked practically all through the night(as it was day there )He told me about his plans for when going back home,and his future. He hadn't yet figured out but we had a plan.,.A plan that for some reason God decided wasn't in the cards for us.

Schuyler and I were close,I told him so much because he listened as I did for him,he once told me when he was home from the first tour that I was the only one that was his friend and loved him that never asked about killing people over there,and so I told him,Its because I just don't have a reason to know,but if you want to tell me I well listen. I miss seeing his face on the computer screen when id get home,he would always ding me and tell me buzz buzz until it drove me nutty! he loved teasing me. I would complain to him about my life,and how boring it was for someone as young as I am,then he said to me Heather I never told you this because I don't want you to think Ur dad is Hott or anything but you look alot like your dad and more and more you sure do sound like him.I was dumb founded we had went to talking about how boring life was and I was doing the complaing and then he says that I stared at him through the screen and he laughed and said WHAT its true :)

God how I miss that boys crazy sometimes absolutely nutty comments!

Its been almost a year..This month was the month that changed my life,and so many others life's forever.

I had went from talking to Schuyler everyday to,only getting to stare at pictures of the face,and the guy I loved and missed so much.

Today he would of been 26,last year we were teasing each other on how old we were getting,and what we were really doing with our life.I miss those talks and him so very much..Happy Birthday my dear friend,I love you,I miss you..everything about you its unreal how just a year your life can change so much..I LOVE YOU SCHUYLER ALWAYS HAVE ALWAYS WILL...FOREVER

~Heather~