A Look into..

As I sat with a friend talking last night about what I had gone through since I was 19, the people I have lost and even talking about losing that part of me, I didn't see hurt in his eyes or even sadness for me, I saw respect that I could pull it out all on my own.We talked about the stress in our lives, Our Jobs and the careers we have. I told him alot about how I got to be the person I am right this second. He told me that he was happy that I had dug myself out of my whole and made it out all on my own. For once when I told my story I didn't get awww thats so sad or painful. I heard respect in his voice and he told me his story, It amazed me how long it had been since I had someone listen to me with respect and someone I wasn't related to see that all the stuff I had gone through had gotten me to right now. I told him about my friendship with Abby and how I wish I could change the moment are friendship turned sour and fix it. I told him about how some of the life I led in Vegas, we talked about our Economy. Talked about how afraid we are for people more and more losing there jobs and people losing there homes. 
I didn't tell him everything but I did realize that he is the first person. I've been comfortable enough to tell things to since I lost Schuyler. Sometimes our conversations get a little off topic and we jump on to something else but not much different then telling Schuyler the stories .
It was funny to me how much I feel a part of me can trust him, and well that scares me more then him knowing about my past,or the kind of person I was. 
The need to tell someone else about my past about the person I am right now so they know that I didn't just come to be this way. Guarded.....
I told him that once I lost my grandpa and Schuyler I was a mess and I soon fell into depression that I had to find a way to pull myself out. I also told him that it took me a year to do it,A year of Depression.. and when I said that I didn't see pain in his eyes he just simply looked at me said You learned you had to pull yourself out and find your own way and sometimes god puts people in your life and things you least expect for a reason. 
I know looking at that reason now I understand or at least a part of me does, But back then years ago I would have said they were crazy, and that I couldn't get why god would do this..
But talking to him telling him things I don't share with many others made me believe that I could learn to trust again or atleast let him in slowly.. Very slowly..
For a hour and half we sat and talked.. It was nice , The time ran late, but it didn't seem late It was nice to have a conversation,It was nice to see the one sitting across from me starring into my hazel eyes and his blue eyes starred back at me..  A look into my past, his past..A Future of the unknown..A great Conversation..It was what we both needed..

Thoughts of a New Year,My hopes,My dreams..A Love..or Nothing..

In most of my blogs I talk about how much the past has hurt me, I know im not the only one that has lost people , But since I was 19 Ive lost some of the Most Important people in my life, I talk about my heart ache because I don't want to bother my family with it, and the people I used to talk to about it is no longer here. so i write it calms me down and in some ways it helps .. Just like talking about it helps ..
I don't always have things to say, most days I'm quite and that's not because I'm single and there's no one to hear me , Its because in my mind ..its racing and I cant get to pen and paper fast enough to write it down. 

It probably helps that I keep to myself, I'm a outgoing person but I'm also a hermit I like my alone time, but I also like to be surrounded by people .. Some times more then other times..

This year I want to know that there's a man out there, that wants to settle down with me, I can talk to when I need to vent, a man who lets me be exactly who I am. I'm not complicated but I like certain things and stubborn and hard headed, But If I can find a man I don't have to chase for once and I don't have to make the first move then Ill be happy
I had that once .. A man who loved me, A man who wanted to build a home with me, wanted to start a family with, and It always comes back to that.. Did my opportunity get taken away ,is there someone out there that well love me unconditionally like he did, or was he my happy ending and I missed my shot now that hes gone?
For the first year I thought I missed my chance and every now and then when I get down I think that was my chance and its gone.. I think that there's someone out there ,, god has something else in store for me, maybe I didn't lose my chance , maybe my chance didn't die with him, Just maybe i wont end up dying alone maybe I well get that house in the country, a good man to love me and a family. But I'm 32 now it get even harder as I age to believe there's something out there waiting for me.
I want to believe I don't want to give up, and in time I may but for now Ill go head strong like I always do and keep believing there's more out there for me then..well ..Nothing..

Another New year,same old Me..

2016

I started the new year like most years before, working and no one to kiss at midnight.
It doesn't always bother me to be single,its those moments , the kiss at midnight when the ball drops,or just realizing that I'm 32, still single still alone..

Most years when the new year starts I'm working, so nothing really changes and its 3 days in of the new year and Nothing has changed.

2015
Not much in my life happened, I hit 4 years at my job, I've been back in town for 4 years now, my grandpa Don passed away in 2015 that was the hardest part of my year. Saying goodbye is never easy and it was even harder knowing I would never get to say Grandpa again without realizing mine both have left this earth and went to Heaven.

Back to 2016 I don't expect much and I don't make any goals for the year, or what they call new years resolutions , I have goals for life and alot of them i have accomplished but my hope for my life is that I do find someone that can put up with me, someone who can handle that I'm independent ,that i do things my way,that I'm picky beyond belief, That Im hard headed and stubborn at times but i have a huge heart ,and all I want is to find someone that can handle all the woman I am,,

2015 I had my ups and downs just the part of life
2016 lets hope I can make it to 2017 here's to a new year and the same old me