Happiness


For the past two months, I've had this uncontrollable Happiness written on my face,Its funny to say it,because now its gone, and I don't understand,the pain is familiar but new, I've been hurt before, I've been sad for longer then I can really remember so the happiness was something I was understanding something new, Now he says he needs space for himself. I feel left out and not sure where to put my pain, I feel sick, my heart is breaking, I don't know how Im suppose to feel but I know I feel like I shouldn't be hurting, I feel like I don't know how to live my life, I've built myself a life I understood single, then things changed,and I got used to being his, having him there, listening to his voice made my heart melt, goosebumps when he touched me, I started letting him in, and giving away a piece of me, that I haven't done in years.

I don't know how to give him time, When we started, I kept telling myself don't let him in, don't let him be something too much, don't let him take away a smile if he ends up hurting you, You learned to Love yourself, let him learn to know you this you. I feel sorry for him because the girl he knew back in the day isn't the same girl I am now, when he knew me as a kid, I never expected we would be something more then childhood friends, he didn't either. That's what made our relationship so easy,because we did know about each other, and we were getting to know each other now as a adults.

Now I'm not sure where to put this amount of pain, Im dealing with,, I don't know how Im suppose to just not talk to him ,when I spent the past 2 months talking to him all day long. I don't know how Im not suppose to hurt, how am I suppose to understand any of this, I just cant.

The first thing I want to do in the morning is text him and know i'm thinking of him, and then get one back makes me think hes thinking of me too.. I told him I wasnt going anywhere and I pray he believes me when I say it,because I really don't want to, I know he needs his space, but that is the part that's killing me.
For the first month we had a hell of a time being apart for more then 24 hours some days we couldn't even make it 6 hours without missing each other, then when he returned back to work, I had to deal with waiting tell 5 o'clock to see him, we both could tell we missed each other a lot, so that's why this time apart was getting to me, is getting to me because its barely started and I hate it, I want to see his face, i want him to hold me, All I want is to kiss and hug him, know that as much as i want all of that his hand in mind knowing he's there, knowing I'm not going anywhere...I just want HIM.. I don't want to figure out this life without him in it.. I don't want to go back to all that loneliness of living my life alone, living but not truly living..
I wish I had the answers, I wish I understood the pain, a little clearer, I know it was fast I know, our relationship went fast, but it was easy, It was fun, it was simple just being with him, talking to him for hours on the phone, sitting on the couch talking or just listening to him breathe or snore, I miss all of that,because I don't want to go back to nothing,.

I did the single thing for over 8 years, and I was honest about not knowing if I could handle the relationship thing,but it was easy with him,My heart wasnt scared,I wasnt afraid, even though I kept telling myself you need to slow down,you need to let it all sink in first. Now I'm hurting, more then I should be, he let me in,he let me into his home, his boys lives, into his ,into his bed, his family. My family,my home, my bed.. My life isnt the same without him in it.I want him to understand I'm not going anywhere but I want him to know I want him back, what we had .. I don't want to do this life alone not anymore I found what I feel is whats best for me, I don't want to feel like I'm meant to be alone forever.. Even though this is what I'm feeling right now and that's that i'm destined to be alone forever.. I hate that feeling.
The saddest over welms me, and I break, I talk to him but its not the same, I miss him.
We have had lunch twice, and it never seems to make me feel any better, I miss him so much,I want the life we started, But I'm trying to be patient and god knows i'm not, I miss him, His boys, the life, his family.. The smile on his face, the smile on mine.. I miss all of that and I hate it.
I go to Hook, and I wish he would show up, I dream of the things we talked about, and wonder if ill ever get that back.
I want that happiness back, I want him back .. good or bad I want him.

I'm so tired of thinking that I don't deserve happiness,. and all i ever really deserve is loneliness and sadness.
But its the way I've been feeling for months..
I miss that smile on my face when I got a text from him, or a random call, I miss hearing his Smile on the other end of the phone.
I never thought I would feel this way, I got too used to being single, he changed that and then broke that tiny part of my heart that was left.. I'm so tired of feeling like sadness is all I deserve.

Don't I deserve to be happy ? Don't I deserve to be with the man who made me smile so big my face stopped hurting when I smiled that much,? Dont I deserve happiness or is not in my cards for Happiness was I right all along.. Am I always gonna feel this way?
I want it all to end, everything he needs I need him to figure it out, so he can get back to Happy... To me..