December 20...today

Today I turned 33

My Mom told me the story about how she went to bed the night of the 19th, and woke up feeling like she wet the bed, ( I said well that's gross lol) she said ya I thought so to,
she said I recall saying my water broke and dad said well don't just lie there get up, lol
she said it was freezing cold that night, snow on the ground , and I was coming a month early.. I was suppose to be born in January.

8 hours or so after her water broke, I was welcomed into this world at 6:46 am December 20,1983.
and back then the mother and baby stayed in the hospital I was brought home on Christmas Eve in a stocking that was way to big for me, but I was there Christmas gift.. The best one she said they ever got.

Never thought I would be where I am today, at 33.

So much in my life happened after I graduated from High School in 2003, I went to live in Las Vegas, and started a life out there, and my career .
I went to college and graduated with a Culinary associates degree.
 I got to know two of my uncles who left when I as just a youngin, and I got to learn from a lot from chefs I worked with. I met some of the best people and made some of the best and long time friendships. I don't regret that part of my life or any for that matter at all.

33..

But today December 20,2016 I turned 33..
Im home now, buying my first home, new job, meeting more people, new sets of friends. Life has changed so much in the years. Some good some not..


Now its a day before I turn 35... dec 19,2018
 How is that even possible? i like my mom didnt think Id make it to my late thirties because of the life I was leading as a teenager and the recklessness I did, the stupid shit I did. Of Course I don't regret it that would mean I would regret my life.
When I lived in Vegas there was alot of work and whole lot of partying especially once I started going to the clubs it was all i knew for quite some time.
Its funny now You wouldn't catch me in one unless its for a bachelorette party or bachelor party or something lol.
Last time I was in a club it was for Pio and Williams wedding party, and it was enough fun that I can recall it all and still say I had TOO Much to drink that the next day I spent a good portion of it in my bed at the casino hotel lol, and in the dark..

 what 34 looks like on me ..

So what do I do the day before I turn 35? I workout a little harder, and then I go to work.. I do what I always do. Mom says this is a big one, I wish I could say at 35 I was married and had a kid or one on the way, But life hasn't turned out that way for me. Not sure it ever well and that makes me sad, because Ive done all I wanted in my goal set I graduated from High School 2003, I went to college and graduated in 2005 ( I believe lol) ,with a associates degree in Culinary Arts.
I moved away and then I moved back home, I've bought a home, and well own in 2 years.
But No man in my life.. no kids.. that's the disappointing thing about turning 35 I don't have much time left..
But for now Ill work on me.. and if love ever comes my way again, I hope I get it right one day.

Atleast I can I made it to 35,happy with myself and my life. Sure I want the husband,the kid,a pet, a bigger house, a garage, a bigger kitchen .. etc but I'm happy with what life I have built..
Maybe one day I'll get to be happy with a guy I've had my eye on for the past 4 years, whos my friend..Before he decides I'm not good enough for him.. I know that sounds bad but I can see him and me together, but I also think he wouldn't chose me, I cant even get him alone for longer then 5 minutes,so.. It just seems that way to me.
Until he decides to change it with me,or not Ill still be living my LIFE MY WAY..,

I never

 I Never really gave it much thought............. growing up.. 
Sure I had the dreams of One day having a gorgeous piece of land to live on 
a farm, somewhere I could build my house from the ground up, a place to have all I ever wanted a Huge kitchen, a swimming pool, and hot tub in the back yard that u can use year round, Yes even living in Illinois , I wanted enough land to ride a four wheeler on, and I wanted land for my dad to hunt on, a dog to call my own, but a husband, Kids.. Sure I wanted them but unlike alot of girls i knew I didnt have there names picked out ,or even wonder if my husband and I would grow old together. The truth was, I wanted all of that in my dreams but the family part still scared me. 

When Schuyler died i thought about the kid we could of had, I thought about the dreams him and I shared and the life we could have had. I would have given up having a family and kids if I could have him back, but there are no deals with god,theres no plea bargains to ask for. If there was I would have found a way.

I miss him always, Its hard to think that Life we talked about wont be the Life Ill ever have with him, Its hard to think I'll never get to see his face again, But Its been 7 years, My life has changed in so many ways since that fatal day in February..
My dreams I had with him went up in smoke all the things we talked about gone.
Alot of My Memories died with him as well, I try to get back there, go by a place we were, or see something I told him about and wish he was beside me , and remembering when he was.
My heart shattered the day he left this earth and I believe that no matter what happens in my life I well always wonder what if.. 
If I ever find a man to love me like he did, or get married and start a family Ill always wonder what if .
I miss him more and more everyday its hard to believe thats hes been gone for 7 years, there was no warning one moment I would be waking up to hearing his voice on the computer or the phone and the next someone was telling me he was no longer with us, Its hard to think that I've woke up everyday for the past 7 years wondering if its all a bad nightmare I cant wake up from..

I never thought I would have to live my life without him, but here I stand 7 years later, without the one man who knew my secrets, my ins and outs of my everyday life, and loved me anyway.. I never knew Id not get that chance again to say to him I love you, or I miss you, or Ill see you soon. So many I nevers, the biggest being Ill never see you again.. I just wish this was a nightmare and I could just wake up from..

I want to be the only Girl you well ever need..

I want to be the girl, you bring home to your parents
I want to be the girl that you think about at the end of a long hard day,.
I want to be the girl who you wake up thinking about
I want to be the girl , who when you need someone to listen too you choose me
I want to be the girl, you call your best friend
I want to be the girl, that when your lonely you call me up
I want to be the girl, whose hand fits in yours perfectly.
I want to be the girl, who you Love to Kiss for hours.
I want to be the girl, when you hug me you don't want me to leave.Ever
I want to be the girl, who looks good in your T-shirt.
I want to be the girl,that you get down on one knee and propose too.
I want to be the girl, who you go home too.
I want to be the girl, who you Marry and start a family with.
I want to be the girl, the girl you call yours forever..

I want to be the Only Girl you well ever need..

Memorial Day 2016..

Another Memorial day has passed by, and another day without you, I go day by day, and I wonder why my life had to keep moving forward when yours was taken away from you. I had so many expectations for us, we had a life together we wanted, we wanted to be with eachother, forever.

Now I have to hide my forever feelings because so little knew about what our happy ending looked like.
when you first were taken away, I blamed all my hurt on everything, I yelled ,I screamed, I cried,, I did it all,
Now when I think of you I don't cry as much as I used to and its not because I stopped Loving you, or stopped missing you because that well never change my heart well never fully heal without you here with me by my side..

Like many years before on Memorial Day, I thought of all that people around the world that has lost, I know I'm not the only one, There has been so many that had gone before you and after you. But like these years before I go by a flag and I clench my heart,tears form in my eyes, and I hear you say your last goodbye to me. I might have forgotten some things that have happened but my memories r with me, and I write so it helps so one day when my memories fade away and I cant recall my own name I can look back at this and remember the man who died doing what he wanted to do, A man who was protecting his country for the ones that he loves, My friend , My Love , my Forever Hero..

So like many years before, and every day I want you to know I'm greatful you paid the Ultimate Sacrifice, so people like I can still be here today, I Love you and I miss you.. 

For every Soldier that has paid the ultimate sacrifice and left your family and friends Thank you.. God Bless you. I well forever be thankful for every single Soldier past,present and the future..

To the One Man who well always be known as My Hero, My friend, The man I Love, My Best Friend..Sgt Schuyler Patch 

There well never be a day that I could ever forget you, that Smiling face is with me always I'm so sorry we did'nt get our Happy Ending but your home now,So you got your happy ending even if it wasnt with me..

 I love you.. 7 years is way to long. I miss you always ..

A heart that Never has healed,broken again..

                                                  You can't re break a already broken heart. Some time ago my heart shattered into a billion pieces, and it hasn't ever been whole since. About 7 years ago it broke, but the past couple years I've been trying to build my heart back up again, but Now It feels shattered again.

 You love another, someone I thought was like a sister to you, someone I didn't think would be in the running for your heart but I was wrong. I never saw this coming, I thought we were friends, and that maybe one day we could be more, there was always a attraction but I guess I was wrong, maybe its me , maybe you don't find me attractive, maybe I'm not the kind of girl you want to be with in the end. I haven't let myself get this way in Years, because I'm tired of failing.

I don't need you to build me up, I love who I am, But I wont lie I did want you to Love me. I have strong feelings for you and I thought it was a two way street again.. Im wrong..
Letting myself get this way again, has brought out a jealous side of me that I haven't had in years, and I'm sorry for that. 

                        I want to be the friend you need, the friend you want , but all I'm doing is screaming inside..

                                             Maybe one day Ill be okay with just being friends, and I'm working on that part of me. But its hard you know, when you call, when you tell me I'm the only one that well listen and can talk to. your best friend is suppose to be the one that you marry, the one who later in life you can talk to and it just not be about the looks, its about the comfort, the life your supposed to have .

                                           You tell me nothing well change between us our friendship well stay in tact and a part of me wants to believe it since you promised me, but things well change, they well never be the same.You can tell me nothing well change and our frienship well stay the way it is now, but It won't. I've been down this road before, I Know how it is when my friend gets married, I lost my best friend then and I'm about to lose another, this is why I stay to myself I don't get myself wrapped up in being to close to anyone,because my heart just cant take it anymore. 

                     I know how this story ends..and I'm slowly starting to let myself go..
My heart well always have a place for you in it...I'm truly happy for you my Friend

The Truth is Ive ....Changed

The truth is , I've changed

Four years after Ive moved back home and so much in my life has changed, Ive had two jobs since I've been back in town, and the last one has been the longest. Its time for another change though..

I'm 32 now , when I moved home I was 28 .. So much of me has grown up Ive went from my parents home, to Vegas apt, a house with friends and then back to my parents home and then to a apartment , then into a home I would rent and later buy.


In the past four years,I've visited Vegas once, for a Friends wedding, as Much as I miss my family and friends I left behind , I wouldn't have it any other way.This is My Home..

Im still single, and in many ways, that well probly never change.As much as I want a husband and a child.Im not sure it well ever be in the cards for me, I once had it all planned had the man, and then it was all taken away from me in a blink of an eye, I had nothing, Not him, nothing.
I like to think now that the friendships I've built could one day build to more, But I wont get my hopes up, I wont let myself feel that type of pain, Not again.

When I went back to Vegas, I contemplated going and seeing my Ex , when I thought of running into him my heart raced and I felt sick. We had a pretty complicated 5 years on and off relationship, and we ended on a good note, but a part of me wanted to see if I saw him if my feelings were still there, or where they finally gone..  I never got that chance and it was okay with me, it was for the best I know it. I'm happier now without him and I know it wasn't him I was meant for.

The truth is after all the heartache,I've worked through and the pain of losing important people in my life,I've truly changed.From the moment I looked in the mirror seven years ago to the woman I see standing in front of the Mirror now, I've changed.

I've recently opened up to a Friend , told him some obstacles I've faced, and some of what I've went through.. Sure everyone loses someone, sure everyone falls out of Love, and sure someone you once thought you would spend the rest of your life with can be gone in a blink of an eye,. 

Changing isn't always a bad thing, or a good thing, But you have to factor in the things in your life, the good the bad the Ugly.. The happy,the pain ,and the sad.
Once in awhile you can look around , maybe a small part of you hasn't changed, maybe a small part of the old you is still out there. If that's the case, hold on to that part of you no matter how small. 


The Truth is I've Changed.. 

Writing a letter .. Helped Heal..

     
                                       Have you ever just sat down and wrote a letter to some one you miss, and even though you know they well never get it, you still write it and never mail it because there is no address in Heaven, but a part of you thinks they are reading it anyways?
When my grandpa John passed away I sat down with my trusty pens and my notebook and began writing ,something inside me had thought that if I kept writing it would make me feel better it would take the pain i felt for not being there , for not being by his side when he passed , by being millions of miles away, and it being a whole year since I saw him and hugged him.

 It didn't instantly take my pain away, but writing gave me a way out, it gave me the courage to come home and stand by my mom and grandma and be strong for them.
I wrote to him while I was home, I thought of memories him and I shared and I told him about how life was going all the things I wasn't ever gonna get the chance to say again.
For awhile this became a part of my daily routine so I could get through the days without him there, without balling my eyes out and not being strong.

When I returned to my daily life back in Las Vegas, I did all I could to get through the days and I started to believe he was still there that week had only been a bad dream I hadn't woken up from yet. I could do that because I wasn't there, and I could believe he was just napping when I called and talked to grandma like I did every day.

When I talked to Schuyler it helped , he knew I was sad but he always did his best to keep a smile on my face, he did this everyday we talked and I told him I should be the one keeping a smile on his face because he was the one that was in Afghanistan fighting a war, and I was just at home missing everyone . I started to bury myself in work I took every open chance I could to work, so I couldn't think or at least not about grandpa , and how hard of a time my grandma was having along with the rest of the family,

Schuyler always kept a smile on my face and he said I did the same for him but I would laugh and ask how because really all I wanted to do was cry. He made me feel alive again , and he made me happy, we would talk about us , about our dreams, we would talk about anything and everything and sometimes we would just sit there a smile at eachother, he was what I called my angel here on earth because he made me happy when I just wanted to cry.
4 months later , he was gone.. he was suppose to come home in April for a leave from the war, but he never got that chance I had planned to surprise him, but I never got to do that either.
After losing Schuyler I didn't think writing would help, I believed that nothing would, and for the longest time I believed I would never be the same person again. In many ways I'm not.
I wrote to him though I shared my daily details and cried a lot, I never realized how much writing helped  me heal in a way you wouldn't think. Writting for me was theropedic .

So for months I started writing letters to the Love ones I've lost , and it helped me heal, I dont think its for everyone but it helped me get myself out of depression.  Slowly I stopped , but not because I stopped missing them just because,I started writing the blog and It helped me heal just as much.. But every once in awhile I get out my note book and look at my pictures and I start writing them and telling them how much I miss seeing them, how much my life has changed since they have left. I have always said what I have felt and I have no filter (at least thats what ive been told lol) So when I write its everything I'm thinking everything , Everything I was feeling.
I'm glad writing has helped heal in a way I didn't expect so I don't take it for granted when I need it Im happy its just a pen and paper away .

Losing Someone..

Every moment someone around the world loses someone, we all know pain, we've went through the hurt, the loss of losing the one you love the most.

I had lost family members but it was there time, but..
My first huge loss was my Best Friend she got killed in a car accident , I was angry at the world, I was angry at god how could he take someone so young away from me from her family, she just had a baby boy , how could he take her out of her sons life. I didn't know it at the time but I went through the stages of grief of depression of the pain of losing my best friend.

I could yell at the world and for most part I did, I hated mostly everyone I came in contact with , because they were still breathing and she wasn't.

I was angry at god because he took someone so young, so loved and he just took her life.
But as the time went on I still questioned his move, why did he take her, why her why someone so young, But I never got the answers , he never told me why and I still to this day await that answer why take someone who had just really begun her life, her life as a mother, as a daughter as a friend. As my best friend.
 I was angry at myself because I never fixed our friendship before she was taken, I was angry because I was to stubborn , I was angry because I wouldn't get that chance again . I was angry because it wasn't me.
I yelled at god and at myself for a long time, its not that I wanted to die, but she had more to live for then I did, all I was doing was going to college she had a life to build a baby boy to raise. They needed her more.

Every moment someone loses someone weather they are old or young, and you always feel the pain the hurt, you see the pain in there eyes the loss of there love one , People say time heals your wounds, But its not true there still there, they well always be there, you cant forget what you lost, nor would you want to, You may stop crying and only shed a tear once in awhile, You may even start to smile but that doesn't mean you forgot about the one you lost. Just the opposite actually, 

The pain of losing someone is always there, The loss well always hurt, you well never forget them, they might not be your first thought everyday , But they are there, in your heart, forever..

2010 to Someday..

Wrote 6-4-2010

They told me one day I'd stop crying,Soon the tears I once shed daily , and my heart would stop breaking..Id slowly let my heart mend itself from all the pain I've been so deeply feeling.
I know now that my heart well heal but there will always be a place my heart is permanently broken,Because your not here with me.You've been taken to a place I cant see you daily,or here your voice. I can only feel the warmth of the tears that run down my face, and I wonder if your looking down on me from time to time saying It well be okay again one day...

The Rose..

As I started cleaning my basement out I came across a book and inside that book was many things I wrote down that meant something to me, in the back of that book was the rose I took from the day we put you in the ground.

That day was almost 7 years ago, 7 years ago I talked to you daily, then one day someone took that away from me.
Then the next thing I knew It was a couple weeks after I got the news that would tear a big whole in my heart, the news that you were coming home, in a box.
March ... was the month we had to say our final goodbyes , and there would never be a dry eye in the whole town.

I looked down at the rose and remembered exactly that day I took the rose and got down on my knees and cried, I got on a plane that day and they asked me if I could put it in my purse or my carry on .. I told them I just had lost my soldier so no I was gonna keep it in my hands tell I got home, back to Vegas I went.
I put it in the back of the book a couple days later so I would never lose it, I would never not have that part of you with me.
Its a rose, Im not really sure why I feel like that rose symbolizes that part of you like I took that part of you with me, back to Vegas.

Its been 7 years since I have even given that rose a thought, you on the other hand is on my mind every day every second of every single moment of my life.
When I came across that rose, I was in shock, And it was like a flood of memories of that day, that moment the moment I would never see that face again, I would never see that smile, or feel those amazing one of kind Schuyler Hugs..

There are so many things that are going on in my life that I wish I could talk to you about and I wonder where we would be if you didn't die.. If you weren't taken away.
They say it gets easier but I still miss you every day and wish you were here with me.

I love and Miss you Schuyler <3 font="">

A Look into..

As I sat with a friend talking last night about what I had gone through since I was 19, the people I have lost and even talking about losing that part of me, I didn't see hurt in his eyes or even sadness for me, I saw respect that I could pull it out all on my own.We talked about the stress in our lives, Our Jobs and the careers we have. I told him alot about how I got to be the person I am right this second. He told me that he was happy that I had dug myself out of my whole and made it out all on my own. For once when I told my story I didn't get awww thats so sad or painful. I heard respect in his voice and he told me his story, It amazed me how long it had been since I had someone listen to me with respect and someone I wasn't related to see that all the stuff I had gone through had gotten me to right now. I told him about my friendship with Abby and how I wish I could change the moment are friendship turned sour and fix it. I told him about how some of the life I led in Vegas, we talked about our Economy. Talked about how afraid we are for people more and more losing there jobs and people losing there homes. 
I didn't tell him everything but I did realize that he is the first person. I've been comfortable enough to tell things to since I lost Schuyler. Sometimes our conversations get a little off topic and we jump on to something else but not much different then telling Schuyler the stories .
It was funny to me how much I feel a part of me can trust him, and well that scares me more then him knowing about my past,or the kind of person I was. 
The need to tell someone else about my past about the person I am right now so they know that I didn't just come to be this way. Guarded.....
I told him that once I lost my grandpa and Schuyler I was a mess and I soon fell into depression that I had to find a way to pull myself out. I also told him that it took me a year to do it,A year of Depression.. and when I said that I didn't see pain in his eyes he just simply looked at me said You learned you had to pull yourself out and find your own way and sometimes god puts people in your life and things you least expect for a reason. 
I know looking at that reason now I understand or at least a part of me does, But back then years ago I would have said they were crazy, and that I couldn't get why god would do this..
But talking to him telling him things I don't share with many others made me believe that I could learn to trust again or atleast let him in slowly.. Very slowly..
For a hour and half we sat and talked.. It was nice , The time ran late, but it didn't seem late It was nice to have a conversation,It was nice to see the one sitting across from me starring into my hazel eyes and his blue eyes starred back at me..  A look into my past, his past..A Future of the unknown..A great Conversation..It was what we both needed..

Thoughts of a New Year,My hopes,My dreams..A Love..or Nothing..

In most of my blogs I talk about how much the past has hurt me, I know im not the only one that has lost people , But since I was 19 Ive lost some of the Most Important people in my life, I talk about my heart ache because I don't want to bother my family with it, and the people I used to talk to about it is no longer here. so i write it calms me down and in some ways it helps .. Just like talking about it helps ..
I don't always have things to say, most days I'm quite and that's not because I'm single and there's no one to hear me , Its because in my mind ..its racing and I cant get to pen and paper fast enough to write it down. 

It probably helps that I keep to myself, I'm a outgoing person but I'm also a hermit I like my alone time, but I also like to be surrounded by people .. Some times more then other times..

This year I want to know that there's a man out there, that wants to settle down with me, I can talk to when I need to vent, a man who lets me be exactly who I am. I'm not complicated but I like certain things and stubborn and hard headed, But If I can find a man I don't have to chase for once and I don't have to make the first move then Ill be happy
I had that once .. A man who loved me, A man who wanted to build a home with me, wanted to start a family with, and It always comes back to that.. Did my opportunity get taken away ,is there someone out there that well love me unconditionally like he did, or was he my happy ending and I missed my shot now that hes gone?
For the first year I thought I missed my chance and every now and then when I get down I think that was my chance and its gone.. I think that there's someone out there ,, god has something else in store for me, maybe I didn't lose my chance , maybe my chance didn't die with him, Just maybe i wont end up dying alone maybe I well get that house in the country, a good man to love me and a family. But I'm 32 now it get even harder as I age to believe there's something out there waiting for me.
I want to believe I don't want to give up, and in time I may but for now Ill go head strong like I always do and keep believing there's more out there for me then..well ..Nothing..

Another New year,same old Me..

2016

I started the new year like most years before, working and no one to kiss at midnight.
It doesn't always bother me to be single,its those moments , the kiss at midnight when the ball drops,or just realizing that I'm 32, still single still alone..

Most years when the new year starts I'm working, so nothing really changes and its 3 days in of the new year and Nothing has changed.

2015
Not much in my life happened, I hit 4 years at my job, I've been back in town for 4 years now, my grandpa Don passed away in 2015 that was the hardest part of my year. Saying goodbye is never easy and it was even harder knowing I would never get to say Grandpa again without realizing mine both have left this earth and went to Heaven.

Back to 2016 I don't expect much and I don't make any goals for the year, or what they call new years resolutions , I have goals for life and alot of them i have accomplished but my hope for my life is that I do find someone that can put up with me, someone who can handle that I'm independent ,that i do things my way,that I'm picky beyond belief, That Im hard headed and stubborn at times but i have a huge heart ,and all I want is to find someone that can handle all the woman I am,,

2015 I had my ups and downs just the part of life
2016 lets hope I can make it to 2017 here's to a new year and the same old me