Death leaves a heartache you cant seem to understand, People we love go on like it was just meant to happen. We've all had our fair shares of Death, and alot of us hear, You well make it through one day it wont be so bad, Some ways its true you Move on with your life, Life happens, but you never fully recover,from the pain.. I've learned that the pain of that someones death is always there, your tears well lessen, you will even start to say there name less, You will slowly forget things about them,that you couldn't fathom having forgotten when they passed. I've learned over the past 15 years, that I dont forget. I've had a heck of time , lately the deaths that have surrounded me, losing ones I've known my whole life. When a friend of our family died, Tami.. we all knew she wouldn't be around forever, but her smile, her laugh, he attitude .. it made us love her more, when I found out she died I had different emotions, a part of me felt she was finally at piece and with her Mom, the other part of me knew I would miss fighting with her, and her telling me to always be have, like that would happened for either one of us.. lol , Ill forever love the fact that I had a lady like that in my life, and ill always remember her.
But over the past 15 years I've dealt with some of the hardest deaths, Losing Abhy, who was my childhood best friend was on my top ,Our relationship was tested many times growing up, we were too complete opposites,but she loved me and excepted me anyway, her mom and mine were best friends, and at the time of her death we didn't  have the best friendship, I've never been able to forgive myself for that. I wish I could have been the bigger person, I've always prided myself on being the bigger person, probably why I am so very up front about everything now, She got killed in a car accident and not a day goes by that I don't wish I there, maybe I wouldn't have been able to stop her, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference,But I wish I was there,even if it was just to fight with her about leaving, or fight about whatever that came to mind at that moment. Ive never sat back and wondered what if I was there,what if it I had been there to say Ab's lets just stay, or let me drive, What if she never went to that party that night, what if she grew up like she said she did, and was done with the partying , but lets be honest we were teenagers, just starting that part of our lives, So many what ifs, so many questions you cant get answered. The pain of losing your best friend, never getting to fix things , all the pain you put on yourself, As if the pain of losing them wasnt bad enough, if there's bad blood,then you feel guilty for the rest of your life, with Abby and I our friendship was strained, but there isn't a moment when I wish I could hear from her and know she forgave me and there's nothing to be upset about or nothing to forgive. I wish we could sit down and chat one last time if that's all we had left.
Death is always talked about, We all feel that kind of pain, a pain for each of us, Its different for us all of us have a different type of pain when dealing with Death especially. I wish I could say it wasnt what we had to deal with in our lives, I wish I could say that death just walks out the door the moment it happens,Hell I would even like to say it doesn't happen, But death leaves a heartache we don't understand, It leaves us wondering so many whys... so much pain, some of us deal with it some of us don't deal at all.
In our own ways we all deal with the hurt,the loss.. the pain.. Death well always be a factor in our lives, and some impact our lives,more then others.
When I lost my best Friend , I lost the first part of my heart,she held me up when I was down,she was there through my childhood,she fought with me,and for me,she was there no matter what and Loved me no matter what, You don't always find people in your life like that, there very few and far between, and losing her I lost a piece of myself , Years later my Grandpa John Died and even though I knew it would come a time I would have to say goodbye to him, I still felt broken, no one to turn to and I didnt want to lean on my family who was already going through it, I turned to Schuyler and he turned my frowns into smiles,and let me talk,as he listened ,Life started to turn around even though I was lost ,and my tears streamed down my face,Schuler was over sea's fighting for our Country,and still from Miles away that man became my support system I didn't know I needed. Shortly after his 25th bday which he celebrated in Afghanistan I got a text message just like years before with my best friend Abby,My heart would drop,and I would lose my support system,I would lose that part of me Forever,I would lose the man I was starting to build a life with, a man who made me smile no matter what. The only man who got me through .. Its been almost 11 years without that support system, My world has never went back to being the same, I lost the only one I saw myself with,I didn't give up ,but I live a different life now, because of death, it has changed me, Sure there are people who are a lot worse off then me, but my truths, my pain, My heartbreak.. All real.. Death leaves a heartache that NO ONE can fix..No one well ever understand.

Happiness


For the past two months, I've had this uncontrollable Happiness written on my face,Its funny to say it,because now its gone, and I don't understand,the pain is familiar but new, I've been hurt before, I've been sad for longer then I can really remember so the happiness was something I was understanding something new, Now he says he needs space for himself. I feel left out and not sure where to put my pain, I feel sick, my heart is breaking, I don't know how Im suppose to feel but I know I feel like I shouldn't be hurting, I feel like I don't know how to live my life, I've built myself a life I understood single, then things changed,and I got used to being his, having him there, listening to his voice made my heart melt, goosebumps when he touched me, I started letting him in, and giving away a piece of me, that I haven't done in years.

I don't know how to give him time, When we started, I kept telling myself don't let him in, don't let him be something too much, don't let him take away a smile if he ends up hurting you, You learned to Love yourself, let him learn to know you this you. I feel sorry for him because the girl he knew back in the day isn't the same girl I am now, when he knew me as a kid, I never expected we would be something more then childhood friends, he didn't either. That's what made our relationship so easy,because we did know about each other, and we were getting to know each other now as a adults.

Now I'm not sure where to put this amount of pain, Im dealing with,, I don't know how Im suppose to just not talk to him ,when I spent the past 2 months talking to him all day long. I don't know how Im not suppose to hurt, how am I suppose to understand any of this, I just cant.

The first thing I want to do in the morning is text him and know i'm thinking of him, and then get one back makes me think hes thinking of me too.. I told him I wasnt going anywhere and I pray he believes me when I say it,because I really don't want to, I know he needs his space, but that is the part that's killing me.
For the first month we had a hell of a time being apart for more then 24 hours some days we couldn't even make it 6 hours without missing each other, then when he returned back to work, I had to deal with waiting tell 5 o'clock to see him, we both could tell we missed each other a lot, so that's why this time apart was getting to me, is getting to me because its barely started and I hate it, I want to see his face, i want him to hold me, All I want is to kiss and hug him, know that as much as i want all of that his hand in mind knowing he's there, knowing I'm not going anywhere...I just want HIM.. I don't want to figure out this life without him in it.. I don't want to go back to all that loneliness of living my life alone, living but not truly living..
I wish I had the answers, I wish I understood the pain, a little clearer, I know it was fast I know, our relationship went fast, but it was easy, It was fun, it was simple just being with him, talking to him for hours on the phone, sitting on the couch talking or just listening to him breathe or snore, I miss all of that,because I don't want to go back to nothing,.

I did the single thing for over 8 years, and I was honest about not knowing if I could handle the relationship thing,but it was easy with him,My heart wasnt scared,I wasnt afraid, even though I kept telling myself you need to slow down,you need to let it all sink in first. Now I'm hurting, more then I should be, he let me in,he let me into his home, his boys lives, into his ,into his bed, his family. My family,my home, my bed.. My life isnt the same without him in it.I want him to understand I'm not going anywhere but I want him to know I want him back, what we had .. I don't want to do this life alone not anymore I found what I feel is whats best for me, I don't want to feel like I'm meant to be alone forever.. Even though this is what I'm feeling right now and that's that i'm destined to be alone forever.. I hate that feeling.
The saddest over welms me, and I break, I talk to him but its not the same, I miss him.
We have had lunch twice, and it never seems to make me feel any better, I miss him so much,I want the life we started, But I'm trying to be patient and god knows i'm not, I miss him, His boys, the life, his family.. The smile on his face, the smile on mine.. I miss all of that and I hate it.
I go to Hook, and I wish he would show up, I dream of the things we talked about, and wonder if ill ever get that back.
I want that happiness back, I want him back .. good or bad I want him.

I'm so tired of thinking that I don't deserve happiness,. and all i ever really deserve is loneliness and sadness.
But its the way I've been feeling for months..
I miss that smile on my face when I got a text from him, or a random call, I miss hearing his Smile on the other end of the phone.
I never thought I would feel this way, I got too used to being single, he changed that and then broke that tiny part of my heart that was left.. I'm so tired of feeling like sadness is all I deserve.

Don't I deserve to be happy ? Don't I deserve to be with the man who made me smile so big my face stopped hurting when I smiled that much,? Dont I deserve happiness or is not in my cards for Happiness was I right all along.. Am I always gonna feel this way?
I want it all to end, everything he needs I need him to figure it out, so he can get back to Happy... To me..

February

                                                                   -February-



This month for the past 10 Years, has been a heartache, February 22,2009 Schuyler and I had a late night chat, well late for me morning for him, I was at work and we had talked all day,every chance I got.. February 24,2009 I woke up to a text message I never wanted.. Asking me if I heard, Asking me if I knew... I still lived In Vegas,my life had already been thrown off course in October and Schuyler was the only one I talked to about how I felt losing my grandpa we talked about all the ones we had lost, how heartache is always with you.We talked about it all he was the best when it came to listening. He made me smile when I felt like all I could do was frown.. He gave the best hugs..

This month 10 Years.. How is it that even possible , one minute he was turning 25 and we were joking about how old we were. The next hes gone, Its still so hard to come to the conclusion that he wont walk through the front door, or he wont call me and say Heather I love you.
I cherish the moments I had with him,because life without him now is so different.

I used to think if he saw me now he wouldn't recognize me. Maybe he wouldn't , I've changed alot, but in alot of ways not at all..

With this month slowly coming to a close, I get closer to the day he would be 35, February 17...
Its funny because after I left vegas, i met a great family , two brothers both born in february.. I asked there bdays and was in relief when neither told me theres was the 17th or the 24th..
They remind me alot of Schuyler, they both have a trait I always saw in him, and they were and are former ladies men..

I laugh sometimes when they do something that makes me think of You Schuyler because you would probably get a kick out of them too, and then question why I ever liked you lol.. No just kidding but they do try to get me to smile weather its cause I need it or cause they just aggravated me enough to make me want to punch them lol,I try to always keep a piece of you with me, and I well until I say my last word and meet you at the gates..
So today's one of there birthdays ,(Feb. 16) he is a busy man, But he does make my heart race..He smiles and it seems as if for a moment everything washes away. Hes the single one, and a ladies man, for sure, But like a fool I cant help but fall.. I haven't given my heart away ,not sure I ever well again,I've been on enough roller coasters called Love that , Being single has stayed at 1st Place.Not even sure I would know how to be in a relationship these days,. Him and I are friends and I feel as bad as I want more, it well Never happened , I do my own thing and see him when we can, I know my clock is ticking and Im 35 now (you shhh u r right behind me lol) I can't say I don't want a husband and a kid ,because that would be a lie, I want it more then i've ever did. But it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Part of me is okay with that,the other not so much.



In a way I feel meeting them, was a destiny I was meant for. Sure they both drive me crazy,and a times my hair wants to get pulled out. But when you died, I lost a piece of me that I'm sure I could never fix or find again. Then I got to know them, and a piece of me that I thought left with you, came back. I wish you were here.. Everyday... But wishing it doesn't make it come true. I love you and every year when this month comes around I honestly hate it , I wish it would all just go away.. But times moved fast enough, I'll never get another Bear Hug, I'll never get to see that Smile that could brighten up the worst of day, I'll never get a unexpected call , and I'll never get to hear you say I love you Heather again..
Don't you ever think,for any second that I'm not wondering what your doing up there, And Don't think I dont miss u every second of every day. I wish you were here more then I could possibly explain,Just don't forget me,because when I'm at my lowest I need you to wrap your wings around me and tell me your here. What I wouldn't do to be with you one more time to tell you one more time how much I love you,how much I miss you..
I go on with my life, just like you would tell me to do, I know your safe,I know your protected,I know your Whole..

        There was Never a LOVE more then the one I had with you,because you were my friend first,My biggest Crush and my deepest Love.



-Time doesn't heal the wounds, It only makes the tears lessen..-



10 Years have come, and soon it well be More..But my memories of you , well probably fade in time,But My heart has you in it forever.. I may say your name less and Less.. But I love you always..



-To the Man who I had the BIGGEST Crush on, to My Friend who loved me anyways.. To the man with the Best Hugs, the Ladies man...There well never be Another You.. forever My heart <3 p="">


-Time well tell all the truths,all the fears,Time is just time fading away..Love is whats Forever..