Thoughts..Realization...The truth we sometimes Forget..

Our first holiday without you..

Sure I've been down this road before, I've already lost one grandpa so not having you at a holiday was different.But This year was the first time i've ever had to say This was my first holiday with out my grandpa's...

I sat at the table that once was my great uncle Sonny's and Aunt Lou's, and looked around the table..so many empty seats.. One grandma was away in AZ with her sister , and the other one was with her daughter in Iowa, where we should have been especially since it was our first holiday without you.But who was i to tell dad that we should be there and not alone.. I couldn't leave them stranded on a holiday especially since I was going to help mom do the cooking.I mean really what would have been the point of me moving back home and not celebrating a holiday with them,..

Even though this holiday didn't go as it had in the past, or even the best holiday we've ever had I still missed the ones I've lost along the way.

Today I stopped in the store , to pick up a few things Deodorant, and creamer two very important morning essentials two  very separate necessities haha,..two things I just cant start my day without.

I stood behind a man who had to be in his late 80's as he paid for his gift card, waiting to sign his check, with no wife standing next to him , no kids or grandkids pushing him to hurry up, I thought of my grandpas.. There were very few times in my life that i recall standing with my grandfathers in the stores, but then I thought of all the things they did for me, the small things they did for me.. I may not recall all of my memories with them but I find myself jealous of the people surrounded by me that still have there grandfathers in there lives. I stood there patiently and quietly and just smiled as I starred at this sweet old man as he walked away I felt my heart grow a little bigger remembering just how precious life really is, how much time you miss, and all the time growing up you think of leaving your family home, of venturing out on your own, to come back to the small town you grew up in , and all while trying to make a name for yourself and get back on your feet you work so much you exhaust yourself and every once in a while you remember you cant take it with you ..So take the time to call your family, your loved ones your friends and spend time with them even if its just a five minute conversation on the phone or a half hour visit.. Make it count and remember there not around forever and neither are you, No ever knows when there time is up..

Happy Birthday Dad ..60 wow..!!!

Today November 4th 

                                   60 Years ago you were born..

his mother,(dad)(Tony) and his sister Di

Brother and Sister 

Aunt Anita,Dad,Grandma and Aunt Diana (on grams bday)

Today I have the pleasure to be here as you turn 60 

The Three Trouble Makers...
Rich,Mike and Tony

Amazing enough for the past 31 years of my life when it came to your bday you've always said its just another day.And Of course you never want a gift because why ? (in your own words IF I WANT SOMETHING I GO OUT AND GET IT..BECAUSE I CAN)(sounds familiar?) so this is my bday gift to you..haha (something you would have NEVER guessed) 

But here we are ready to celebrate you being 60 and being retired.

Dad,His mom,his sisters Diana and Anita

To me your not just my Dad,..
Your the man i look up to, the man who I would come crying to when I skinned my knee
or needed my car worked on, The man who has raised me to be the woman I am today.

A back in the day Picture (Mom,Me and Dad)

Mom,Me and Dad (you can't tell I was a daddys girl at all) (ya right)

Over the years we haven't always had the best relationship, we fight Literally, we yell ,we walk away because most of the time one or both of our tempers have gotten the best of us.. 

But through it all I've always respected you, and Loved you . 
I may not have or may not always say it but I am lucky to have you as my dad.
I look at you and mom and see that you miss your fathers no matter the relationship with them how much you miss them and I don't want to think back at what should have been or what I should have done better .No regrets ...

One of the Ultime great Pictures we have together  this explains us to a tee!!

You are so many things to me, your my protector, My Hero , the man who raised me, a tough guy, a hard worker (though sometimes you may never say it) A man who taught me that hard work and sacrifice is what well get you to be one of the hardest workers and maybe even get you to the top of the ladder one day. Your obnoxious on a good day ;-) .. a pain in the @$$ but we love you just the way you are, no matter how many times you annoy me laugh out loud :-) I'm sure somewhere in the father hand book it says wake your kids up at the crack of dawn, make them go to bed by 8pm, make them carry in wood and take care of a dog and pheasants lol .. Nah thats not in the hand book that's in your book,You know the one you always ask me if I'm writing? lol

Hard Worker (hard workers multi task) lol

Thank you, for showing me respect,hard work and how to take care of myself. I may not have everything you want for me or have everything I want for myself yet but with the determination I have to always make you and Mom proud know that when You didn't think I was listening know I was,when I yelled at you for spanking me as kid know it taught be respect,and remember when I argue with you know its because were so much alike that we clash, I never want you to think I don't love you ,I always love you, I wasn't raised to disrespect. I love you even if its not a daily thing I say know no matter what I love you even when your old and grey and I have to push you in a wheel chair no one could love a father more then the girls you raised. 


There are many things I could come up with, many things to say but you wont sit here long enough to read through them all (how do i know that ? your attention span is no bigger then a nat ;-)

Work Hard PLAY HARDER ;-)

Your wedding Day 

True Love

so what you really need to know is I RESPECT you, I LOVE YOU , and I COULD'NT HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER DAD THEN THE ONE I GOT BLESSED WITH,.. 

Dad being..himself..NOW RUN!!! 

So to the only man in my life who loves me unconditionally and does it not only because he has to but because he loves me just the same.. I LOVE YOU DAD
Happy Bday Dad .. I hope when Im 60 I look this Damn good lol!!

Some say were Twins ..they Might be right..

With all the Love you can stand .. and your no picture taking self ( I had a heck of a time finding all of these now I need a new one ;-)
I Love u .. I love you Daddy 

Impossible.... 7 Years..

 Everyday I wonder , what your doing, every day I wonder if your happy,I wonder if you met one of your favorite actors (John Wayne) 
But what I don't wonder about is if you miss your family or not..
that without a shadow of a doubt would be a dumb question.
I think your happy, your not suffering anymore, your with parents and loved ones we have lost before you. 
I need you to know when you died I was mad, I was so angry with god for taking you, and I was mad with myself because It had been over a year since I had saw you last, I was angry because I didn't get to say goodbye. I remember a few days before calling and getting to talk to you , I said I love you Papa, and u said I love you Hedo. those were the last words u ever said to me. 

My world like many of our family members crashed around us the day you left us. 
I was still living in Vegas, and I remember the phone call from my dad saying you were gone.
I remember sleeping on my couch that night , I remember going to my bf's and asking him to help me get through the pain, take my mind off of it so we played Monopoly , and he did what he thought was best way to comfort me by playing this game , and giving me his sweatshirt to wear when I came back home so apart of him could be with me,  
I remember getting on the plane ,with my uncles and almost being late for the plane. I remember sitting on the back of plane, listening to music and keeping all my feelings inside so I could be Strong for my Uncles and my mom when i would see her.
I remember driving into Kewanee, I remember getting out of the car and going to yours and grams house, I remember starring at it, walking in seeing people all around, the house was packed. I remember looking at your chair and wondering where u were as bad as I wanted to go to your room and tell you to come out and join the fun i know somewhere deep inside my heart i knew you were gone.
Then the rest of the week is a blur.. they say that grief is different for everyone, there's five stages of grief , I remember leaving and going back to vegas, I remember returning to my life, and I remember small things breaking me.. I would hear a grandpa on tv, or see a old man with a cane, or see a grandpa and his granddaughter and I would break, I broke down,.. 
i remember every time I had car problems I wondered what my life would be like if you were there to come and fix it for me. 
I remember talking to a friend of mine who was over seas in Afghanistan fighting , I remember the talks Schuyler and I had about missing you, he took good care of me for 4 months he talked to me everyday and made sure I laughed, then like you he was taken from me.. 
In the matter of months I lost 2 of the most important men in my life, and I was a mess. 
After that I lost a good part of me, a good part of who I was, who I am. 
I never thought I would be back to normalcy , I tried everyday to move on, live my life the way i know you and him would both be telling me to do, but It was too much, It was too hard..
A piece of my heart broke when you died, and then another big chunk of my heart was broken after losing Schuyler, I lost myself for a year.. 
Here I am 7 years later and though I've picked up the piece of my life I still miss you more then I could ever write on here... (Writting here helps me get through the pain,helps me move on.)
 There isn't a day .. A moment in the day that I don't think of my Papa...

The man who built me and my cousins a tire swing,the man who gave me my nickname Hedo, the man who smiled even when he was sad, the man who spent 14 years of his life fighting to stay alive for his Wife,his Kids, his Grandkids.. His Family..
Even though he never got any great grandkids I know if he would have he would have loved them just the same.




So to my Papa.. My friend, My Hero.. 7 Years seems like a lifetime ago.. Some days like today it seems like it was just now happening .. I well forever love you, and I well Never forget you . I love you Papa and I cant wait for the day when I see you again .. Until then when you miss us just look down from the heavens and let us know your watching ..

 Until then our Hero you are..
       

Saying Another Goodbye...

Two weeks ago, I went to the Nursing home where my grandpa Don laid quietly breathing, and looked at the once very strong man, Look weak, Look tired (even if he was sleeping so much)
I looked at the man that once was so Aunry that he would send your ball (while playing Croquet) to the wood pile that happened to be to the other end of yard. A man who would tease you, A man who if you needed your car fixed and knew you couldn't afford it he would help you out because you were his granddaughter and well dang it he didn't need a reason to do it. A man who once stood so tall,at one point in your life thought he was a giant. Ofcouse as I grew up i was able to stand toe to toe and look him straight in the eye. The Man who called you Baby, because well all of his grandkids where his babies.The man that laid there in the bed was a not my grandpa , he was a man who was ready to die, a Man who had lost his brothers, and was the last to go, This man laying there was a shadow of my grandpa.
I knew his time was running out as did he,as I sat there and cried trying to say the things I needed to say to him but I couldnt get the words out,so all I could say was I LOVE YOU GRANDPA.. I put my hand on his, and as he tried to look at me , he just shut his eyes and rolled back over. I said goodbye that night to the ONLY grandpa i had left.

I cried the rest of the way home,knowing i wasnt gonna see that strong man I once knew.. A few days later my mom stopped by my house and told me he went quietly in his sleep, she said I was gonna call you but you have gotten so many of those bad calls that I had to stop over and tell you in person. (For 9 and half years I was living in Vegas, and the only way to tell me the bad news was over the phone.) It didn't make what she told me any easier, But this is why I came home, I wanted to be around then my family needed me , To be around this time when other times I couldnt .
Unlike last time with my grandpa John passed away I got to be here to say my final goodbye before he went to heaven,and for that very reason it made it easier when mom told me he was no longer with us.

 The next few days I worked, and tried to think he would want me to move on with my life,not to dwell over his passing because he wanted this,he was tired and was ready to go home. But it doesn't really help does it? My heart still breaks thinking that man i called Grandpa well no longer help me out with my car , or teach me how to play cards, or watch him sit at the table playing solitaire ..My memories along with the other grandchildren and his wife and children are all thats left of the man who did everything he could to love us all.

The summer of 2009,I came home for a visit and had to get a pic of the 3 of us together.. Grandpa and Grandma Nyert and myself.

Grandpa and Rowdy ,he loved teasing him, go play catch with him for us now grandpa and pet him until he rolls over for his belly rub,tell him we love him and miss him just as much as we love and miss you.

Dad,Rowdy and Grandpa Don(3 peas in a pod)

He wasnt a huge fan of getting his picture taking (thats where my dad gets it from lol) 

Grandpa and Grandma Christmas picture at there house, and the one of the right is grandpa with Donnie (there oldest grandchild,(whos missing from the pic)Donnie's kids)

Me with the Grandpa Don and Grandma Carol

I was very lucky to know all my grandparents not alot of people can say that,I can, I got lucky because they wanted me in there lives and Loved me from the moment I was born until there last breath, I may no longer have any more grandfathers but I was lucky, I had two amazing Grandpa's and I woldnt trade the moments i had with them for the world..

So long for now Vegas

Leaving Vegas...

When I decided to leave home,it was a easy reason, but when I left Vegas, I was ready,more then ready i had been trying to leave every day since I went there.. Sure I had fun, sure I made some of the BEST Friends, but it wasn't me, It wasn't home.. There were mountains everywhere. As far as I could see I was trapped no country just desert,sand and mountains.

Las Vegas was my escape, away from a small town, a chance to be out on my own,I was 19 and I was ready for a Adventure.. I lived with My uncle as he took me in and gave me a place to live, two cousins i would help raise,and then get another one to look after and to love .

Sooner or later I went to school Le Cordon Bleu of Culinary Arts, I learned alot and I got to go to school for something I love, something to really make's me in to something..I got a job soon after that and got my own apartment, I was truly on my own in a Big City, I felt like a small town girl with big city dreams. I enjoyed my job, I got some of the best friends out of it and I learned more then I ever thought possible from a lot of Chefs.

Chef Andrew was my room chef,also my friend.He helped me out when I needed it but he also had confidence in me that I could do it when he wasn't around.He always taught me things i wouldn't have thought of at the time,and ill forever be thankful for his wisdom and kindness and everything he taught me well be with me always.
That leads me to Chef Ed by the time I left he was my Assistant Executive Chef, when I first started working there he was my room chef, he was mean,and he and I didn't get along for awhile,Until one day when I stood up for myself and realized that was what he wanted all along.A strong Line cook,who one day would be a sous chef. He taught me more then I could have ever learned in my books from school,he showed the ropes and dug me out when I dug myself in a hole. In the end he was my Mentor ,my friend who i could go to and he would always have my back no matter what. It took alot to trust the guys I worked with it was just hard for me to trust period I always had to prove myself because of the position I later earned also i wanted to prove that a woman could also be a chef and run these restaurants just like a man can, especially since that's mostly all i worked with.
Then that leads up to Ari the guy in the Grey shirt,he was my Boss,he was the Food and Beverage manager, and he was the one that every person feared because he was the one that hired and fired you. But like a big teddy bear he was likable and he was easy to go to and get advice from,he was another mentor and if I had to go through it all over again I would still go to him for anything,he was tough,he was funny and he had confidence in me that I didn't know I even had.

He taught me things i needed to know to run the business and he had enough courage and trust in me to give me a promotion,i remember the day like it was yesterday and I remember thinking i was about to get fired not even thinking that he would want to give me a promotion,He changed my life that day,and i finally started to realize that i had more people backing me then i did trying to bury me.So if I havent said it enough Ari thank you,Chef Andrew Thank you,Chef Ed Thank you.

My life in Vegas is like most places there not always fun,there not always bad. I'm not by any means saying my time in Vegas was wasted because lets face it I wouldn't be where i am today for all the things I've been through..

But I never really Truly belonged there,I wanted a life,I wanted country life.I wanted a garden, I wanted acres of land,I wanted four wheeling that didn't include sand and dust.. I wanted ponds,and rivers and four seasons.. I wanted HOME..

Me and Em My favorite customer <3 u="">

 My crew Graveyard on the left and Swing shift on the right

Pio and I (best friends)

My Ride or die ladies

 To the family I left back there,to the friends i left behind.. I well always be grateful for the people I met,the ones who had my back,the ones who I went to Hell and Back with.. To ones who brought me in to there family's I well forever be thankful for making me who I am right now,I'm finally home,Vegas well always be my Adventure, a home away from Home.. I well always remember with great fondness of the love i had when I was there and the friendships i made, I well Never regret any of it..

My Guys

Two best Friends a girl can ask for <3 u="">

 THANK YOU VEGAS and GOODBYE FOR NOW..

weather check..

The snow is slowly melting and the Flowers are slowly becoming visible,The Motorcyclist are out riding there Harleys (Bikes) living in Illinois again it seems the weather never seems to please me.

When I lived In Vegas it was constant always HOT.. Didn't always agree with it being one season 12m in the year.

But living in Illinois again it is four seasons sometimes I think this is great then we have the Ton of snow that would make anyone scream for warmer weather.. This past winter which I'm not sure winter is completely over yet for this year, But I can always hope .This past winter we got 12 inches of snow in One day..

I always said when I lived in Vegas that I missed the snow I missed the seasons three years now Im mostly posative that I dont miss it anymore :-)

Depending on someone or riding solo ...

Have you ever depended on someone? 

Haven't we all depended on someone at some point in our life?
But what if that after it all you learn to depend on them and there either taken away from you or walk out of you life what then? You pick up the broken pieces and move on with your life.

I learned at early age that depending on that one person who you would have never thought would ever turn there back on you, made you a million Wishes,a million Promises, and they never came through instead they walked out of your life and You had no idea why ,Was it because you weren't the sister they wanted you to be,or were they afraid that you would turn out better then them?Was it because they thought I had all of dads attention and they weren't the only one anymore.. Or was it in some sick way because well they didn't want to be in your life,so they left no warning no reason,they just did. 
 Or what about the guys in your life you would depend on the boyfriend but it wasn't the best idea I've ever had. When they would walk out of my life or I would walk out of there's I was back to depending on what felt like the only person I could. MYSELF

I mean lets face it I depend on my parents they raised me they gave me life. I depend on my family because well they have always had my back and well honestly Family Sticks Together no matter what. Well maybe not always.. 

Depending on myself sometimes is just easier,no one to let me down,no one to hurt me,no one to yell at me and say your useless,You don't work hard enough..etc.. Just myself and I give myself enough grief, enough stress.. But sometimes breaking down those walls and letting someone in is  hard,I'm not sure it ever gets easier and that's the truth.. When you have been burned by someone you love,someone you looked up to, something inside of you switches,and that's when you start building a wall around your feeling,around your heart and you learn to depend on yourself and not let anyone in..Just knowing you well not let yourself get hurt,Not again..
I was always taught forgiveness, But I look at it this way I forgive a part, but I don't forget and that's the hardest part. 

I say this .. If you can depend on the ones you love your family your gf, your bf, your husband,wife, mother,father,brother,sister,Uncle,Aunt,Cousin,Grandpa,Grandma,ETC.. whatever they might be to you.If you don't have those things or you cant depend on them then Depend  on the ONLY PERSON YOU CAN AND THAT'S YOURSELF.

I got lucky,I have a great family,ones I depend on to lean on,ones that I know well never let me down. Not everyone is that lucky,not everyone has there family to depend on .. 

Life After

My life after.. The other day i had someone ask me , why I haven't wrote about my life after all the heart ache I shared ,my response was not sure.Everyone has heart break,mine isnt special,it didnt hurt any less then anyone else's who's lost love ones,I just knew sharing it with people close to me,writting some how helped me cope. 
When i thought about it i didn't have a answer, so I started thinking of it my life after losing two of the most important men in my life.

When My papa John passed away,there was no bigger heartache I thought losing him was gonna make me fall apart,make my world around me seem invisible, and in ways it did,I remember getting the call of him being sick i remember the phone conversation we had, and i remember this unbelievable pain i was in that I wasn't there for my family, and then i remember my dad calling me with the news that would tear a huge whole in my heart forever i remember that day,I remember booking my flight,i remember trying everything i could think of to make myself feel better,I remember getting on my plane with my uncles and then that rest of the week a blank.. All i remember is being there for my mom and the rest of the family,i would grieve away from them,not around them so they wouldn't worry.. i remember returning to my home in Vegas,and feeling like my life was a mess and so i started leaning on my friend Schuyler he told me I would be okay,that he was there for me and i remember him and talking non stop about everything,he was there for me even if he was stationed over seas.. he was the one that made me smile when no one else could,then just four months later he was taken from me.. for a year i tried dealing with all the heart break,I'm not afraid to say it now but with working graveyard, and trying to keep my head on straight I would come home drink, sleep and that was all my life consisted of. I was in what they would call depression I didn't do much,I drank and sometimes ate and slept..I would cry for hours on end,I would break down for no apparent reasons,it was just because that's how i dealt with it.. when I finally pulled myself out of depression there was no way i was going back,
My Life after .. I've done everything I could to make them proud ,to stop crying as much, to get out and Live My Life.. Here I am 6 years later ... The pain of losing someone never truly goes away,but even if you cant believe it, Time goes on, your heart hurts a little less,you cry a little less.. you laugh more and begin to go back to the time before you felt all that pain.. Maybe one day you'll be normal again but i ask myself what is normal? Who cares what normal is as long as your happy,with yourself,your life and what you chose to live for.. So my life after , I know there well be more tragedy and more heart break in my life,as I get older i realize more and more people slowly disappearing from it. But the ones you love the ones you lost you well never truly lose..

So here I am 6 years later I' moved four times, But now I'm home, surrounded by family and friends. So My Life after has only just begun..

February

February the month most people just think of as valentines day, or a loved ones bday or just another month of winter, But for people that lost the great guy in Schuyler Patch know its a month we used to love,He would be 31 this month.. Would be.. Sounds heart breaking doesn't it? and trust me it is. Schuyler was a Son,A Brother,a Uncle,a Best Friend a friend,a hard worker,etc and most importantly a HERO.. Schuyler was a Soldier,he was My friend. So every year this month gets to me, I recall his smile,his laugh his hugs.. Everything but that's nothing different then the days that go by on the other 11 months of the year.. But February is different its his bday month its also the same month we would find out he wouldn't be coming home..Alive.. Each year since hes passed i try my hardest not to cry, this year 6 years, is no differnt i well do my best to be the one smiling as he always told me I had a smile that people would fall in love with, But as each passing year it gets harder not seeing his face,not hearing his voice on the other end of my phone,or get one of those hugs that would wrap me in so tight that felt like he was holding on to me for dear life,

This Picture is our first and Only pic we had together,It was the day I came home and asked my mother to take me to see Schuyler he was working as he did most times with his dad at his Glass Shop, When he saw me his face lit up and I got a hug that would squeeze so Tight that i was sure Id have no breath left in me. We talked a little and promised to see each other again since i was home for a week,But since he was working I didn't want to hold them up,I asked what about a pic of us together since we don't have any he Smiled the smile that made my stomach flip flop, He said of course anything for you,He pulled me in tight and held me tight while my mom took our pic... Before i left that garage he gave me another hug that made my stomach flop again ..

That same night he called as I visiting family,he wanted company as he was doing some paper work for the Army and I said well get my moms vehicle and come up there. We visited for a few hours alone,talking about everything we could,enjoying each others company and knowing that we could and did tell each other everything about one another.

When I left that Night he hugged me,and gave me a sweet kiss,from that night on we talked to each other daily,and I went back to my home in Vegas. As life for me got crazier at work i still would wait up to hear from him,as i worked the graveyard shift we would instant message on yahoo every night..As he was back over seas,He was the guy that would listen when I needed it and I was the girl he said Never asked him how it felt to kill someone,or how bad it really was over there.. 

I told him i would never ask,and I never did, I told him if he wanted to tell me he would and most times he did, .. The day he died, I lost a piece of my heart, I had never lost someone to war,and losing him was unthinkable.. 

Here I am 6 Years Later, I still have the Memories of him,our conversations,Everything..

 our 6th annual Memorial Ride (the first year I got to ride it was just AWESOME)

 No Matter how long your gone,how long we well miss u there well never Be another SCHUYLER PATCH ..

I'll look at this month every year as the Month to celebrate his bday,and to Celebrate the life he led.All the Memories we shared,never ever forgoten WE ALL MOVE ON...BUT WE NEVER FORGET ,.....