Life After

My life after.. The other day i had someone ask me , why I haven't wrote about my life after all the heart ache I shared ,my response was not sure.Everyone has heart break,mine isnt special,it didnt hurt any less then anyone else's who's lost love ones,I just knew sharing it with people close to me,writting some how helped me cope. 
When i thought about it i didn't have a answer, so I started thinking of it my life after losing two of the most important men in my life.

When My papa John passed away,there was no bigger heartache I thought losing him was gonna make me fall apart,make my world around me seem invisible, and in ways it did,I remember getting the call of him being sick i remember the phone conversation we had, and i remember this unbelievable pain i was in that I wasn't there for my family, and then i remember my dad calling me with the news that would tear a huge whole in my heart forever i remember that day,I remember booking my flight,i remember trying everything i could think of to make myself feel better,I remember getting on my plane with my uncles and then that rest of the week a blank.. All i remember is being there for my mom and the rest of the family,i would grieve away from them,not around them so they wouldn't worry.. i remember returning to my home in Vegas,and feeling like my life was a mess and so i started leaning on my friend Schuyler he told me I would be okay,that he was there for me and i remember him and talking non stop about everything,he was there for me even if he was stationed over seas.. he was the one that made me smile when no one else could,then just four months later he was taken from me.. for a year i tried dealing with all the heart break,I'm not afraid to say it now but with working graveyard, and trying to keep my head on straight I would come home drink, sleep and that was all my life consisted of. I was in what they would call depression I didn't do much,I drank and sometimes ate and slept..I would cry for hours on end,I would break down for no apparent reasons,it was just because that's how i dealt with it.. when I finally pulled myself out of depression there was no way i was going back,
My Life after .. I've done everything I could to make them proud ,to stop crying as much, to get out and Live My Life.. Here I am 6 years later ... The pain of losing someone never truly goes away,but even if you cant believe it, Time goes on, your heart hurts a little less,you cry a little less.. you laugh more and begin to go back to the time before you felt all that pain.. Maybe one day you'll be normal again but i ask myself what is normal? Who cares what normal is as long as your happy,with yourself,your life and what you chose to live for.. So my life after , I know there well be more tragedy and more heart break in my life,as I get older i realize more and more people slowly disappearing from it. But the ones you love the ones you lost you well never truly lose..

So here I am 6 years later I' moved four times, But now I'm home, surrounded by family and friends. So My Life after has only just begun..

February

February the month most people just think of as valentines day, or a loved ones bday or just another month of winter, But for people that lost the great guy in Schuyler Patch know its a month we used to love,He would be 31 this month.. Would be.. Sounds heart breaking doesn't it? and trust me it is. Schuyler was a Son,A Brother,a Uncle,a Best Friend a friend,a hard worker,etc and most importantly a HERO.. Schuyler was a Soldier,he was My friend. So every year this month gets to me, I recall his smile,his laugh his hugs.. Everything but that's nothing different then the days that go by on the other 11 months of the year.. But February is different its his bday month its also the same month we would find out he wouldn't be coming home..Alive.. Each year since hes passed i try my hardest not to cry, this year 6 years, is no differnt i well do my best to be the one smiling as he always told me I had a smile that people would fall in love with, But as each passing year it gets harder not seeing his face,not hearing his voice on the other end of my phone,or get one of those hugs that would wrap me in so tight that felt like he was holding on to me for dear life,

This Picture is our first and Only pic we had together,It was the day I came home and asked my mother to take me to see Schuyler he was working as he did most times with his dad at his Glass Shop, When he saw me his face lit up and I got a hug that would squeeze so Tight that i was sure Id have no breath left in me. We talked a little and promised to see each other again since i was home for a week,But since he was working I didn't want to hold them up,I asked what about a pic of us together since we don't have any he Smiled the smile that made my stomach flip flop, He said of course anything for you,He pulled me in tight and held me tight while my mom took our pic... Before i left that garage he gave me another hug that made my stomach flop again ..

That same night he called as I visiting family,he wanted company as he was doing some paper work for the Army and I said well get my moms vehicle and come up there. We visited for a few hours alone,talking about everything we could,enjoying each others company and knowing that we could and did tell each other everything about one another.

When I left that Night he hugged me,and gave me a sweet kiss,from that night on we talked to each other daily,and I went back to my home in Vegas. As life for me got crazier at work i still would wait up to hear from him,as i worked the graveyard shift we would instant message on yahoo every night..As he was back over seas,He was the guy that would listen when I needed it and I was the girl he said Never asked him how it felt to kill someone,or how bad it really was over there.. 

I told him i would never ask,and I never did, I told him if he wanted to tell me he would and most times he did, .. The day he died, I lost a piece of my heart, I had never lost someone to war,and losing him was unthinkable.. 

Here I am 6 Years Later, I still have the Memories of him,our conversations,Everything..

 our 6th annual Memorial Ride (the first year I got to ride it was just AWESOME)

 No Matter how long your gone,how long we well miss u there well never Be another SCHUYLER PATCH ..

I'll look at this month every year as the Month to celebrate his bday,and to Celebrate the life he led.All the Memories we shared,never ever forgoten WE ALL MOVE ON...BUT WE NEVER FORGET ,.....