I just want to be ENOUGH

I want to be enough for you

I want to be enough for a guy who wants to spend his precious time with me, Im not saying every single second of everday because lets be honest, I cant handle the concept of everyday.
Ive tried relationships , Ive tried one night stands, Im not afraid to admit that I want what a want, Im deathly afraid of relationships and every where I look , I see couples and then I see me.Alone..

I want to find the one , Ive tried Ive looked at my past and wondered if there was something I was missing.Sure I had bad relationships and sure Ive had good ones, Life has never been simple and Im a girl who can take care of herself and speak her mind to boot, some guys are scared of my dad, some are scared of me,,..theres many reasons Im single , The biggest one is because I cant seem to get fully through losing Schuyler.
I try my best not to look for Schuyler in there faces,his similarities of what I miss about him, in them but its hard when you cant get over feeling the One for you has already been taken..

Ive tried looking in my past and even reconnected with a old Highschool Crush , hes married now but we had our fun way before that..
Then there was my other High School crush from Annawan, Joey.. I have thought hes been a cutie since we were freshmens, hes got a lot of the same interest but hes so quite and shy that its hard for me to crack open that tight net shell hes got , and we talk once or twice a year for the past few years, its funny when we reconnected, hes easy going and a hard worker, but his quietness drives me crazy. I like spending time with him but Nothing ever happens, its like were two awkward teens that don't know what to do with our hands or anything really.
Thought beer would help, losing him up.. shit nothing works lol.
We are literally like two teens who are straight up good kids , Virgins if you say, we don't touch, we've never even hugged LOL..
sitting on the same couch used to be difficult LOL,. insane I know were in our 30's...LOL



But in so many ways I just want to be Enough again, Its been a long time where I felt I was enough for someone, With Schuyler it was easy we could talk for hours on end and some times we did, he would make me get up and not change cause he said I looked beautiful just the way I was not that Im a girl that gets up and puts on makeup but I always felt comfortable enough, with him I was Enough..So trying to see if I can find that again with someone has been difficult.

Sure Ive come across great guys, I was really lucky with my first Love he was amazing, he treated me with respect, and like a princess, But as life went on so did we. We went our separate ways, I dated and been in bad relationships, I never came across anyone else that made me feel enough until Schuyler, But I have to believe somewhere inside my heart that there is someone out there whos waiting for me, who knows I am going to be Enough for them, weather thats Joey or The little red head I love spending time with , or someone I havent yet to meet, I know as much as I have given up hope of ever having that feeling back I know somewhere out there, Ill be enough for him ..
Atleast I hope one day I'm enough for the one that I'm lucky enough to say is mine and Hes Enough for me as I am enough for him.

All I really want is to Be Enough..

8 years today

8 years .. How is that possible


8 years have came and gone, and here I am remembering , I do that alot , not just on your anniversary of your death or your bday, but everyday I remember so many good times with you, our chats, and those amazing hugs you gave to me.

8 years ago so many lives got turned upside down, Mine included I never expected it to end the way it did. I remember talking to you on the 22nd , and then the 24th hit and I got a text message, I remember calling my family to see if it was true , and I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe, my heart was breaking and I didn't know how to stop it. I remember going to work that night in a fog , I remember going to my office , and just sitting there, I remember my boss and my assistant manager coming in , and I just sat there and then I cried as I told them what was going on, they sent me home that night, and I drove back in a fog, I don't recall much after that but tears running down my face , and checking my messenger to see if you would come on and it would all be a lie.

8 years..

So much has changed ,so much has happened, 8 years seems like forever ago.. But moments like the memories that flood my mind of that moment I found out seems like its happening all over again. I know Ill never be the same. I changed the moment I found out you were gone..
Ill never forget you know matter what happens in my life..
You well be with me forever.


I love you And I Miss you Schuyler <3 p="">

In Real Life..

Every day someone loses there life, a loved one .. etc
There's no phone , no skyping , no face timing in heaven
In real life there's no second chance to say I love you
There's no time to waste, in real life, there's no time not to say the things you've always wanted to say..

In movies, or tv shows there's always that second chance, that person comes back, but in reality
you have one chance to fall in love and stay in love, one chance to say I love you and mean it,
One chance to wake up and be positive, and thankful that god woke you up today.

Our life is not a movie or a reality tv show..even if sometimes they try really hard to make us believe it can be. You have one chance to show the people you love them, because let me tell you in a instant it can all be gone, you could wake up tomorrow and that person you wanted to say those three little words too could be gone, or you could be, so say the things, you wanted to say, be who you want to be, and tell that person you want to be with them or you love them. Don't waste time on what could have been, our lives our not a script, there not a movie or a tv show.

Live your life, Don't over work yourself , enjoy your life because you cant take it with you.
you've heard this before.. Don't waste time, tommorow is not guaranteed .