So long for now Vegas

Leaving Vegas...

When I decided to leave home,it was a easy reason, but when I left Vegas, I was ready,more then ready i had been trying to leave every day since I went there.. Sure I had fun, sure I made some of the BEST Friends, but it wasn't me, It wasn't home.. There were mountains everywhere. As far as I could see I was trapped no country just desert,sand and mountains.

Las Vegas was my escape, away from a small town, a chance to be out on my own,I was 19 and I was ready for a Adventure.. I lived with My uncle as he took me in and gave me a place to live, two cousins i would help raise,and then get another one to look after and to love .

Sooner or later I went to school Le Cordon Bleu of Culinary Arts, I learned alot and I got to go to school for something I love, something to really make's me in to something..I got a job soon after that and got my own apartment, I was truly on my own in a Big City, I felt like a small town girl with big city dreams. I enjoyed my job, I got some of the best friends out of it and I learned more then I ever thought possible from a lot of Chefs.

Chef Andrew was my room chef,also my friend.He helped me out when I needed it but he also had confidence in me that I could do it when he wasn't around.He always taught me things i wouldn't have thought of at the time,and ill forever be thankful for his wisdom and kindness and everything he taught me well be with me always.
That leads me to Chef Ed by the time I left he was my Assistant Executive Chef, when I first started working there he was my room chef, he was mean,and he and I didn't get along for awhile,Until one day when I stood up for myself and realized that was what he wanted all along.A strong Line cook,who one day would be a sous chef. He taught me more then I could have ever learned in my books from school,he showed the ropes and dug me out when I dug myself in a hole. In the end he was my Mentor ,my friend who i could go to and he would always have my back no matter what. It took alot to trust the guys I worked with it was just hard for me to trust period I always had to prove myself because of the position I later earned also i wanted to prove that a woman could also be a chef and run these restaurants just like a man can, especially since that's mostly all i worked with.
Then that leads up to Ari the guy in the Grey shirt,he was my Boss,he was the Food and Beverage manager, and he was the one that every person feared because he was the one that hired and fired you. But like a big teddy bear he was likable and he was easy to go to and get advice from,he was another mentor and if I had to go through it all over again I would still go to him for anything,he was tough,he was funny and he had confidence in me that I didn't know I even had.

He taught me things i needed to know to run the business and he had enough courage and trust in me to give me a promotion,i remember the day like it was yesterday and I remember thinking i was about to get fired not even thinking that he would want to give me a promotion,He changed my life that day,and i finally started to realize that i had more people backing me then i did trying to bury me.So if I havent said it enough Ari thank you,Chef Andrew Thank you,Chef Ed Thank you.

My life in Vegas is like most places there not always fun,there not always bad. I'm not by any means saying my time in Vegas was wasted because lets face it I wouldn't be where i am today for all the things I've been through..

But I never really Truly belonged there,I wanted a life,I wanted country life.I wanted a garden, I wanted acres of land,I wanted four wheeling that didn't include sand and dust.. I wanted ponds,and rivers and four seasons.. I wanted HOME..

Me and Em My favorite customer <3 u="">

 My crew Graveyard on the left and Swing shift on the right

Pio and I (best friends)

My Ride or die ladies

 To the family I left back there,to the friends i left behind.. I well always be grateful for the people I met,the ones who had my back,the ones who I went to Hell and Back with.. To ones who brought me in to there family's I well forever be thankful for making me who I am right now,I'm finally home,Vegas well always be my Adventure, a home away from Home.. I well always remember with great fondness of the love i had when I was there and the friendships i made, I well Never regret any of it..

My Guys

Two best Friends a girl can ask for <3 u="">

 THANK YOU VEGAS and GOODBYE FOR NOW..

weather check..

The snow is slowly melting and the Flowers are slowly becoming visible,The Motorcyclist are out riding there Harleys (Bikes) living in Illinois again it seems the weather never seems to please me.

When I lived In Vegas it was constant always HOT.. Didn't always agree with it being one season 12m in the year.

But living in Illinois again it is four seasons sometimes I think this is great then we have the Ton of snow that would make anyone scream for warmer weather.. This past winter which I'm not sure winter is completely over yet for this year, But I can always hope .This past winter we got 12 inches of snow in One day..

I always said when I lived in Vegas that I missed the snow I missed the seasons three years now Im mostly posative that I dont miss it anymore :-)

Depending on someone or riding solo ...

Have you ever depended on someone? 

Haven't we all depended on someone at some point in our life?
But what if that after it all you learn to depend on them and there either taken away from you or walk out of you life what then? You pick up the broken pieces and move on with your life.

I learned at early age that depending on that one person who you would have never thought would ever turn there back on you, made you a million Wishes,a million Promises, and they never came through instead they walked out of your life and You had no idea why ,Was it because you weren't the sister they wanted you to be,or were they afraid that you would turn out better then them?Was it because they thought I had all of dads attention and they weren't the only one anymore.. Or was it in some sick way because well they didn't want to be in your life,so they left no warning no reason,they just did. 
 Or what about the guys in your life you would depend on the boyfriend but it wasn't the best idea I've ever had. When they would walk out of my life or I would walk out of there's I was back to depending on what felt like the only person I could. MYSELF

I mean lets face it I depend on my parents they raised me they gave me life. I depend on my family because well they have always had my back and well honestly Family Sticks Together no matter what. Well maybe not always.. 

Depending on myself sometimes is just easier,no one to let me down,no one to hurt me,no one to yell at me and say your useless,You don't work hard enough..etc.. Just myself and I give myself enough grief, enough stress.. But sometimes breaking down those walls and letting someone in is  hard,I'm not sure it ever gets easier and that's the truth.. When you have been burned by someone you love,someone you looked up to, something inside of you switches,and that's when you start building a wall around your feeling,around your heart and you learn to depend on yourself and not let anyone in..Just knowing you well not let yourself get hurt,Not again..
I was always taught forgiveness, But I look at it this way I forgive a part, but I don't forget and that's the hardest part. 

I say this .. If you can depend on the ones you love your family your gf, your bf, your husband,wife, mother,father,brother,sister,Uncle,Aunt,Cousin,Grandpa,Grandma,ETC.. whatever they might be to you.If you don't have those things or you cant depend on them then Depend  on the ONLY PERSON YOU CAN AND THAT'S YOURSELF.

I got lucky,I have a great family,ones I depend on to lean on,ones that I know well never let me down. Not everyone is that lucky,not everyone has there family to depend on .. 

Life After

My life after.. The other day i had someone ask me , why I haven't wrote about my life after all the heart ache I shared ,my response was not sure.Everyone has heart break,mine isnt special,it didnt hurt any less then anyone else's who's lost love ones,I just knew sharing it with people close to me,writting some how helped me cope. 
When i thought about it i didn't have a answer, so I started thinking of it my life after losing two of the most important men in my life.

When My papa John passed away,there was no bigger heartache I thought losing him was gonna make me fall apart,make my world around me seem invisible, and in ways it did,I remember getting the call of him being sick i remember the phone conversation we had, and i remember this unbelievable pain i was in that I wasn't there for my family, and then i remember my dad calling me with the news that would tear a huge whole in my heart forever i remember that day,I remember booking my flight,i remember trying everything i could think of to make myself feel better,I remember getting on my plane with my uncles and then that rest of the week a blank.. All i remember is being there for my mom and the rest of the family,i would grieve away from them,not around them so they wouldn't worry.. i remember returning to my home in Vegas,and feeling like my life was a mess and so i started leaning on my friend Schuyler he told me I would be okay,that he was there for me and i remember him and talking non stop about everything,he was there for me even if he was stationed over seas.. he was the one that made me smile when no one else could,then just four months later he was taken from me.. for a year i tried dealing with all the heart break,I'm not afraid to say it now but with working graveyard, and trying to keep my head on straight I would come home drink, sleep and that was all my life consisted of. I was in what they would call depression I didn't do much,I drank and sometimes ate and slept..I would cry for hours on end,I would break down for no apparent reasons,it was just because that's how i dealt with it.. when I finally pulled myself out of depression there was no way i was going back,
My Life after .. I've done everything I could to make them proud ,to stop crying as much, to get out and Live My Life.. Here I am 6 years later ... The pain of losing someone never truly goes away,but even if you cant believe it, Time goes on, your heart hurts a little less,you cry a little less.. you laugh more and begin to go back to the time before you felt all that pain.. Maybe one day you'll be normal again but i ask myself what is normal? Who cares what normal is as long as your happy,with yourself,your life and what you chose to live for.. So my life after , I know there well be more tragedy and more heart break in my life,as I get older i realize more and more people slowly disappearing from it. But the ones you love the ones you lost you well never truly lose..

So here I am 6 years later I' moved four times, But now I'm home, surrounded by family and friends. So My Life after has only just begun..

February

February the month most people just think of as valentines day, or a loved ones bday or just another month of winter, But for people that lost the great guy in Schuyler Patch know its a month we used to love,He would be 31 this month.. Would be.. Sounds heart breaking doesn't it? and trust me it is. Schuyler was a Son,A Brother,a Uncle,a Best Friend a friend,a hard worker,etc and most importantly a HERO.. Schuyler was a Soldier,he was My friend. So every year this month gets to me, I recall his smile,his laugh his hugs.. Everything but that's nothing different then the days that go by on the other 11 months of the year.. But February is different its his bday month its also the same month we would find out he wouldn't be coming home..Alive.. Each year since hes passed i try my hardest not to cry, this year 6 years, is no differnt i well do my best to be the one smiling as he always told me I had a smile that people would fall in love with, But as each passing year it gets harder not seeing his face,not hearing his voice on the other end of my phone,or get one of those hugs that would wrap me in so tight that felt like he was holding on to me for dear life,

This Picture is our first and Only pic we had together,It was the day I came home and asked my mother to take me to see Schuyler he was working as he did most times with his dad at his Glass Shop, When he saw me his face lit up and I got a hug that would squeeze so Tight that i was sure Id have no breath left in me. We talked a little and promised to see each other again since i was home for a week,But since he was working I didn't want to hold them up,I asked what about a pic of us together since we don't have any he Smiled the smile that made my stomach flip flop, He said of course anything for you,He pulled me in tight and held me tight while my mom took our pic... Before i left that garage he gave me another hug that made my stomach flop again ..

That same night he called as I visiting family,he wanted company as he was doing some paper work for the Army and I said well get my moms vehicle and come up there. We visited for a few hours alone,talking about everything we could,enjoying each others company and knowing that we could and did tell each other everything about one another.

When I left that Night he hugged me,and gave me a sweet kiss,from that night on we talked to each other daily,and I went back to my home in Vegas. As life for me got crazier at work i still would wait up to hear from him,as i worked the graveyard shift we would instant message on yahoo every night..As he was back over seas,He was the guy that would listen when I needed it and I was the girl he said Never asked him how it felt to kill someone,or how bad it really was over there.. 

I told him i would never ask,and I never did, I told him if he wanted to tell me he would and most times he did, .. The day he died, I lost a piece of my heart, I had never lost someone to war,and losing him was unthinkable.. 

Here I am 6 Years Later, I still have the Memories of him,our conversations,Everything..

 our 6th annual Memorial Ride (the first year I got to ride it was just AWESOME)

 No Matter how long your gone,how long we well miss u there well never Be another SCHUYLER PATCH ..

I'll look at this month every year as the Month to celebrate his bday,and to Celebrate the life he led.All the Memories we shared,never ever forgoten WE ALL MOVE ON...BUT WE NEVER FORGET ,.....

Schuylers 2 years

So 2 years later,Sky is gone,and everyone that loves him is trying there best to move on. but as Ive noticed in the last 2 years that no matter how long someone in your life is gone.It doesn't matter because no matter what you miss them just as much as you did the day they left without a goodbye.

I still think back on that day and wonder why.But I do my best to move on with my life.

Even though 2 years have passed by nothing has really changed. He is still gone,and he is never coming back.

I still miss him all the time,I still think about him daily,and I still Love him just as much as I did when we would talk on the computer or the phone...

There were so many great qualities of Schuyler he was a great friend,he has a wonderful family who do a good job of keeping his memory alive.He gave the best hugs,and he was always there to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on.

As much as I miss him,I know I'm not by far the only one.Its amazing to me to think that Feb 22,2009 was the last time we would talk online..hell it was the last time we would talk ever again. 2 days later my friend was gone.

There is nothing like waking up to a text message or a phone call that says someone is gone.When I got that text message saying "Have you heard about Schuyler Patch?

My response "No why whats wrong?"
I remember my heart beating like it wanted to jump out of my chest.The next text message was.."He's in Heaven :( "

I couldn't believe it,I was lost words,I had just saw him on yahoo messenger just 2days ago,what do you mean I screamed but no one answered I was still alone and I wasn't in a bad dream.
I hoped that the nightmare would go away,I prayed it wasn't true.
Until I called my dad he told me "who told you" "I said that doesn't matter,is it true I cried I screamed in the phone tell me its not true."

"Daddy I screamed please tell me its a lie its a bad joke I just talked him 2 days ago...please daddy tell me its not true ." But then my dad said to me"I wish it wasn't baby but it is ,I'm sorry you found out that way,mom and I wanted to wait tell tomorrow to tell you so you wouldn't go to work like this."

It was too late,I couldn't call in,all I could do was cry..My heart ached,sadness was on my face.

I went to work that night but got sent home from my assistant executive chef.

March 5th was the day Sky came home,the day I had to really face the music..The truth was everywhere there were flags everywhere our hometown was supporting each other,we came together in a time of need.

Our Soldier was coming home

Our Hero was finally HOME ...

I love you Schuyler B.Patch

I miss you

But one day will meet again,until then my friend rest in Peace and now we will always remember our hero.

On side note Sgt.Schuyler Patch was the first vet,since Vietnam war in our home town..

Two years later..The feelings of Why,How and goodbye..

Its been two years since my world has been upside down. I lost my grandpa John, Today 2 years ago.That was hard.I was always so close with him,he was easy to get along with and a man you wouldn't cross when he was angry.He was in the Army and he was so very proud of that.


He had a heart of Gold,and a Spirt that kept him alive for 74 almost 75 years.

Its been hell for the last 2 years and this was only the beginning....

I noticed in the first year that I wasn't me,and in that first year I wasn't truly been me,im more irritated faster,I'm more impatient,and im more unhappy.

I went through a hard time over the last 2 year's and in the first year ,Depression I fell into.

I was in pain,my heart was breaking I had Lost one of the most important people in my life,someone I grew up wanting to be like because he was so Strong and Loving,He was my Grandpa,and I loved him so very much..I still do.

He spoiled me Rotten,I was his first granddaughter and first grandchild,so I was spoiled..It helped I was there alot as well. Later on after he got sick I wasn't around as much,when I moved to Las Vegas I didn't know how I could leave and not know if my grandpa would make it a year,but he made it 7more years then anyone thought possible actually he made it 13 years longer then the doctors had given him.He wanted to spend time with his wife(my grandma Betty) he wanted to watch his 16 grandchildren grow up,I believe when his time was up on that fatal day October 19,2008 he was ready to go knowing we would all take care of Grandma and he would watch from Heaven I truly believe that. Not saying that in the begging I believed any of it, I was angry with God and with the doctors how come they couldn't save him why did god not let me go say goodbye why why before he turned 75 WHY?


Death is unreal and I don't understand it.Why have birth if in the end sooner or later before your time or way after you think you should be gone why is there DEATH? a question for the ages...

I know I'll see him again ..Someday

But for now I miss him all the time,I miss his hugs,I miss him saying he loved me,I miss me sitting on his lap and him teasing me.

I even miss him taking his false teeth out and scaring me with them.But most of all Papa I MISS U and I LOVE YOU

So for now Goodbye papa I love you and Ill see you again..One day