I never

 I Never really gave it much thought............. growing up.. 
Sure I had the dreams of One day having a gorgeous piece of land to live on 
a farm, somewhere I could build my house from the ground up, a place to have all I ever wanted a Huge kitchen, a swimming pool, and hot tub in the back yard that u can use year round, Yes even living in Illinois , I wanted enough land to ride a four wheeler on, and I wanted land for my dad to hunt on, a dog to call my own, but a husband, Kids.. Sure I wanted them but unlike alot of girls i knew I didnt have there names picked out ,or even wonder if my husband and I would grow old together. The truth was, I wanted all of that in my dreams but the family part still scared me. 

When Schuyler died i thought about the kid we could of had, I thought about the dreams him and I shared and the life we could have had. I would have given up having a family and kids if I could have him back, but there are no deals with god,theres no plea bargains to ask for. If there was I would have found a way.

I miss him always, Its hard to think that Life we talked about wont be the Life Ill ever have with him, Its hard to think I'll never get to see his face again, But Its been 7 years, My life has changed in so many ways since that fatal day in February..
My dreams I had with him went up in smoke all the things we talked about gone.
Alot of My Memories died with him as well, I try to get back there, go by a place we were, or see something I told him about and wish he was beside me , and remembering when he was.
My heart shattered the day he left this earth and I believe that no matter what happens in my life I well always wonder what if.. 
If I ever find a man to love me like he did, or get married and start a family Ill always wonder what if .
I miss him more and more everyday its hard to believe thats hes been gone for 7 years, there was no warning one moment I would be waking up to hearing his voice on the computer or the phone and the next someone was telling me he was no longer with us, Its hard to think that I've woke up everyday for the past 7 years wondering if its all a bad nightmare I cant wake up from..

I never thought I would have to live my life without him, but here I stand 7 years later, without the one man who knew my secrets, my ins and outs of my everyday life, and loved me anyway.. I never knew Id not get that chance again to say to him I love you, or I miss you, or Ill see you soon. So many I nevers, the biggest being Ill never see you again.. I just wish this was a nightmare and I could just wake up from..