Death leaves a heartache you cant seem to understand, People we love go on like it was just meant to happen. We've all had our fair shares of Death, and alot of us hear, You well make it through one day it wont be so bad, Some ways its true you Move on with your life, Life happens, but you never fully recover,from the pain.. I've learned that the pain of that someones death is always there, your tears well lessen, you will even start to say there name less, You will slowly forget things about them,that you couldn't fathom having forgotten when they passed. I've learned over the past 15 years, that I dont forget. I've had a heck of time , lately the deaths that have surrounded me, losing ones I've known my whole life. When a friend of our family died, Tami.. we all knew she wouldn't be around forever, but her smile, her laugh, he attitude .. it made us love her more, when I found out she died I had different emotions, a part of me felt she was finally at piece and with her Mom, the other part of me knew I would miss fighting with her, and her telling me to always be have, like that would happened for either one of us.. lol , Ill forever love the fact that I had a lady like that in my life, and ill always remember her.
But over the past 15 years I've dealt with some of the hardest deaths, Losing Abhy, who was my childhood best friend was on my top ,Our relationship was tested many times growing up, we were too complete opposites,but she loved me and excepted me anyway, her mom and mine were best friends, and at the time of her death we didn't  have the best friendship, I've never been able to forgive myself for that. I wish I could have been the bigger person, I've always prided myself on being the bigger person, probably why I am so very up front about everything now, She got killed in a car accident and not a day goes by that I don't wish I there, maybe I wouldn't have been able to stop her, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference,But I wish I was there,even if it was just to fight with her about leaving, or fight about whatever that came to mind at that moment. Ive never sat back and wondered what if I was there,what if it I had been there to say Ab's lets just stay, or let me drive, What if she never went to that party that night, what if she grew up like she said she did, and was done with the partying , but lets be honest we were teenagers, just starting that part of our lives, So many what ifs, so many questions you cant get answered. The pain of losing your best friend, never getting to fix things , all the pain you put on yourself, As if the pain of losing them wasnt bad enough, if there's bad blood,then you feel guilty for the rest of your life, with Abby and I our friendship was strained, but there isn't a moment when I wish I could hear from her and know she forgave me and there's nothing to be upset about or nothing to forgive. I wish we could sit down and chat one last time if that's all we had left.
Death is always talked about, We all feel that kind of pain, a pain for each of us, Its different for us all of us have a different type of pain when dealing with Death especially. I wish I could say it wasnt what we had to deal with in our lives, I wish I could say that death just walks out the door the moment it happens,Hell I would even like to say it doesn't happen, But death leaves a heartache we don't understand, It leaves us wondering so many whys... so much pain, some of us deal with it some of us don't deal at all.
In our own ways we all deal with the hurt,the loss.. the pain.. Death well always be a factor in our lives, and some impact our lives,more then others.
When I lost my best Friend , I lost the first part of my heart,she held me up when I was down,she was there through my childhood,she fought with me,and for me,she was there no matter what and Loved me no matter what, You don't always find people in your life like that, there very few and far between, and losing her I lost a piece of myself , Years later my Grandpa John Died and even though I knew it would come a time I would have to say goodbye to him, I still felt broken, no one to turn to and I didnt want to lean on my family who was already going through it, I turned to Schuyler and he turned my frowns into smiles,and let me talk,as he listened ,Life started to turn around even though I was lost ,and my tears streamed down my face,Schuler was over sea's fighting for our Country,and still from Miles away that man became my support system I didn't know I needed. Shortly after his 25th bday which he celebrated in Afghanistan I got a text message just like years before with my best friend Abby,My heart would drop,and I would lose my support system,I would lose that part of me Forever,I would lose the man I was starting to build a life with, a man who made me smile no matter what. The only man who got me through .. Its been almost 11 years without that support system, My world has never went back to being the same, I lost the only one I saw myself with,I didn't give up ,but I live a different life now, because of death, it has changed me, Sure there are people who are a lot worse off then me, but my truths, my pain, My heartbreak.. All real.. Death leaves a heartache that NO ONE can fix..No one well ever understand.