Life After

My life after.. The other day i had someone ask me , why I haven't wrote about my life after all the heart ache I shared ,my response was not sure.Everyone has heart break,mine isnt special,it didnt hurt any less then anyone else's who's lost love ones,I just knew sharing it with people close to me,writting some how helped me cope. 
When i thought about it i didn't have a answer, so I started thinking of it my life after losing two of the most important men in my life.

When My papa John passed away,there was no bigger heartache I thought losing him was gonna make me fall apart,make my world around me seem invisible, and in ways it did,I remember getting the call of him being sick i remember the phone conversation we had, and i remember this unbelievable pain i was in that I wasn't there for my family, and then i remember my dad calling me with the news that would tear a huge whole in my heart forever i remember that day,I remember booking my flight,i remember trying everything i could think of to make myself feel better,I remember getting on my plane with my uncles and then that rest of the week a blank.. All i remember is being there for my mom and the rest of the family,i would grieve away from them,not around them so they wouldn't worry.. i remember returning to my home in Vegas,and feeling like my life was a mess and so i started leaning on my friend Schuyler he told me I would be okay,that he was there for me and i remember him and talking non stop about everything,he was there for me even if he was stationed over seas.. he was the one that made me smile when no one else could,then just four months later he was taken from me.. for a year i tried dealing with all the heart break,I'm not afraid to say it now but with working graveyard, and trying to keep my head on straight I would come home drink, sleep and that was all my life consisted of. I was in what they would call depression I didn't do much,I drank and sometimes ate and slept..I would cry for hours on end,I would break down for no apparent reasons,it was just because that's how i dealt with it.. when I finally pulled myself out of depression there was no way i was going back,
My Life after .. I've done everything I could to make them proud ,to stop crying as much, to get out and Live My Life.. Here I am 6 years later ... The pain of losing someone never truly goes away,but even if you cant believe it, Time goes on, your heart hurts a little less,you cry a little less.. you laugh more and begin to go back to the time before you felt all that pain.. Maybe one day you'll be normal again but i ask myself what is normal? Who cares what normal is as long as your happy,with yourself,your life and what you chose to live for.. So my life after , I know there well be more tragedy and more heart break in my life,as I get older i realize more and more people slowly disappearing from it. But the ones you love the ones you lost you well never truly lose..

So here I am 6 years later I' moved four times, But now I'm home, surrounded by family and friends. So My Life after has only just begun..

February

February the month most people just think of as valentines day, or a loved ones bday or just another month of winter, But for people that lost the great guy in Schuyler Patch know its a month we used to love,He would be 31 this month.. Would be.. Sounds heart breaking doesn't it? and trust me it is. Schuyler was a Son,A Brother,a Uncle,a Best Friend a friend,a hard worker,etc and most importantly a HERO.. Schuyler was a Soldier,he was My friend. So every year this month gets to me, I recall his smile,his laugh his hugs.. Everything but that's nothing different then the days that go by on the other 11 months of the year.. But February is different its his bday month its also the same month we would find out he wouldn't be coming home..Alive.. Each year since hes passed i try my hardest not to cry, this year 6 years, is no differnt i well do my best to be the one smiling as he always told me I had a smile that people would fall in love with, But as each passing year it gets harder not seeing his face,not hearing his voice on the other end of my phone,or get one of those hugs that would wrap me in so tight that felt like he was holding on to me for dear life,

This Picture is our first and Only pic we had together,It was the day I came home and asked my mother to take me to see Schuyler he was working as he did most times with his dad at his Glass Shop, When he saw me his face lit up and I got a hug that would squeeze so Tight that i was sure Id have no breath left in me. We talked a little and promised to see each other again since i was home for a week,But since he was working I didn't want to hold them up,I asked what about a pic of us together since we don't have any he Smiled the smile that made my stomach flip flop, He said of course anything for you,He pulled me in tight and held me tight while my mom took our pic... Before i left that garage he gave me another hug that made my stomach flop again ..

That same night he called as I visiting family,he wanted company as he was doing some paper work for the Army and I said well get my moms vehicle and come up there. We visited for a few hours alone,talking about everything we could,enjoying each others company and knowing that we could and did tell each other everything about one another.

When I left that Night he hugged me,and gave me a sweet kiss,from that night on we talked to each other daily,and I went back to my home in Vegas. As life for me got crazier at work i still would wait up to hear from him,as i worked the graveyard shift we would instant message on yahoo every night..As he was back over seas,He was the guy that would listen when I needed it and I was the girl he said Never asked him how it felt to kill someone,or how bad it really was over there.. 

I told him i would never ask,and I never did, I told him if he wanted to tell me he would and most times he did, .. The day he died, I lost a piece of my heart, I had never lost someone to war,and losing him was unthinkable.. 

Here I am 6 Years Later, I still have the Memories of him,our conversations,Everything..

 our 6th annual Memorial Ride (the first year I got to ride it was just AWESOME)

 No Matter how long your gone,how long we well miss u there well never Be another SCHUYLER PATCH ..

I'll look at this month every year as the Month to celebrate his bday,and to Celebrate the life he led.All the Memories we shared,never ever forgoten WE ALL MOVE ON...BUT WE NEVER FORGET ,.....

Schuylers 2 years

So 2 years later,Sky is gone,and everyone that loves him is trying there best to move on. but as Ive noticed in the last 2 years that no matter how long someone in your life is gone.It doesn't matter because no matter what you miss them just as much as you did the day they left without a goodbye.

I still think back on that day and wonder why.But I do my best to move on with my life.

Even though 2 years have passed by nothing has really changed. He is still gone,and he is never coming back.

I still miss him all the time,I still think about him daily,and I still Love him just as much as I did when we would talk on the computer or the phone...

There were so many great qualities of Schuyler he was a great friend,he has a wonderful family who do a good job of keeping his memory alive.He gave the best hugs,and he was always there to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on.

As much as I miss him,I know I'm not by far the only one.Its amazing to me to think that Feb 22,2009 was the last time we would talk online..hell it was the last time we would talk ever again. 2 days later my friend was gone.

There is nothing like waking up to a text message or a phone call that says someone is gone.When I got that text message saying "Have you heard about Schuyler Patch?

My response "No why whats wrong?"
I remember my heart beating like it wanted to jump out of my chest.The next text message was.."He's in Heaven :( "

I couldn't believe it,I was lost words,I had just saw him on yahoo messenger just 2days ago,what do you mean I screamed but no one answered I was still alone and I wasn't in a bad dream.
I hoped that the nightmare would go away,I prayed it wasn't true.
Until I called my dad he told me "who told you" "I said that doesn't matter,is it true I cried I screamed in the phone tell me its not true."

"Daddy I screamed please tell me its a lie its a bad joke I just talked him 2 days ago...please daddy tell me its not true ." But then my dad said to me"I wish it wasn't baby but it is ,I'm sorry you found out that way,mom and I wanted to wait tell tomorrow to tell you so you wouldn't go to work like this."

It was too late,I couldn't call in,all I could do was cry..My heart ached,sadness was on my face.

I went to work that night but got sent home from my assistant executive chef.

March 5th was the day Sky came home,the day I had to really face the music..The truth was everywhere there were flags everywhere our hometown was supporting each other,we came together in a time of need.

Our Soldier was coming home

Our Hero was finally HOME ...

I love you Schuyler B.Patch

I miss you

But one day will meet again,until then my friend rest in Peace and now we will always remember our hero.

On side note Sgt.Schuyler Patch was the first vet,since Vietnam war in our home town..

Two years later..The feelings of Why,How and goodbye..

Its been two years since my world has been upside down. I lost my grandpa John, Today 2 years ago.That was hard.I was always so close with him,he was easy to get along with and a man you wouldn't cross when he was angry.He was in the Army and he was so very proud of that.


He had a heart of Gold,and a Spirt that kept him alive for 74 almost 75 years.

Its been hell for the last 2 years and this was only the beginning....

I noticed in the first year that I wasn't me,and in that first year I wasn't truly been me,im more irritated faster,I'm more impatient,and im more unhappy.

I went through a hard time over the last 2 year's and in the first year ,Depression I fell into.

I was in pain,my heart was breaking I had Lost one of the most important people in my life,someone I grew up wanting to be like because he was so Strong and Loving,He was my Grandpa,and I loved him so very much..I still do.

He spoiled me Rotten,I was his first granddaughter and first grandchild,so I was spoiled..It helped I was there alot as well. Later on after he got sick I wasn't around as much,when I moved to Las Vegas I didn't know how I could leave and not know if my grandpa would make it a year,but he made it 7more years then anyone thought possible actually he made it 13 years longer then the doctors had given him.He wanted to spend time with his wife(my grandma Betty) he wanted to watch his 16 grandchildren grow up,I believe when his time was up on that fatal day October 19,2008 he was ready to go knowing we would all take care of Grandma and he would watch from Heaven I truly believe that. Not saying that in the begging I believed any of it, I was angry with God and with the doctors how come they couldn't save him why did god not let me go say goodbye why why before he turned 75 WHY?


Death is unreal and I don't understand it.Why have birth if in the end sooner or later before your time or way after you think you should be gone why is there DEATH? a question for the ages...

I know I'll see him again ..Someday

But for now I miss him all the time,I miss his hugs,I miss him saying he loved me,I miss me sitting on his lap and him teasing me.

I even miss him taking his false teeth out and scaring me with them.But most of all Papa I MISS U and I LOVE YOU

So for now Goodbye papa I love you and Ill see you again..One day

poetry

Words are Only Words until someone puts them as a letter or a Poem or a quote..here are a few poems(that dont ryhme) and quotes I love hope you Love-Written by me


-Reactions,tears,my smile now a frown.

My past,the Present and what future?

The distance,heart broken...

"One Day"
2-11-2007
One day Im going to wake up and I'll no longer be there for you when you need me,Or when you fall.And when that time comes,I hope you realize everything you once had with me. It was true and it was real.The Love I had for you was 3 1/2 years in the making.But I won't miss you cause finnally Ill be with a man who loves me for me and always wanted me.He will be the man who wont be afraid to say I love you.A man that well call me just to say I miss you and that man well never be you,Im just realizing the truth because after 3 1/2 years what makes me think you will change..because unfortanly I know you never will..


-"I miss you next to me Holding me,Are Past is such a lie..You never Loved me"-


This is all I got for now I hope you read it and enjoy it thanks for reading and please feel free to comment!

The mirror has no answers

I look in the mirror and the girl looking back at me,isn't the girl I remember,I used to look in the mirror and see a smile on my face,and my hazel eyes lit up,now I look in the mirror and I see someone who isn't happy,I see tears in my hazel eyes,and tear drops down my face.I used to question my emotions..but everytime something on tv about military or a Grandpa I lose it all..My heart aches and I cry,I look in mirror everyday for almost 2 years since I lost 2 important people in my life and I wonder how people who lose someone so special just move on and be them again..

I don't know how to look in mirror again and be happy,I cant find the smile I once had.I pray to god and ask him why,though I never figure out the truth behind it all.One day Ill meet him and Ill try to remember all the things I wanted to ask,but for now I look in the mirror and wonder where I went..I wonder why the person staring at me has a sad face,and I wonder why my heart keeps breaking.I try to look past the heartache cause I know there are people out there with more problems then I do..But I want to look in a mirror and remember how it felt to be happy..I want to look in that mirror and know that one day I will see them again,and I really want to look in the mirror and believe that one day Ill be able smile and return to who I was.But Most of all I want to believe that everything is possible,and that girl who once looked in the mirror and loved so very much,well one day be able to look in the mirror and not have tears in her eyes or running down her cheeks,and I want to be the girl who can watch a show about Grandpa's or the military and be able to smile .Most of all I want to be the girl who walks by a soldier and thanks them,and walk by a Grandpa and say I sure do miss you papa with out shedding a tear because Ill know then they are OKAY.<3

simple Life..

I used to think life was simple..that things in life were just what made life.But then I became an adult living in a big city with Big dreams and a whole lot of learning,left to do..7 years ago I moved from a tiny town to a town that would later swallow my dreams whole.I thought Id be a small fish in this big town..I became to realize that the life I wanted was back in that small town all along.That and my dreams weren't only slowly dieing from all the stress and pain but my hopes of ever getting out of this big town before it swallows me whole.

But Ive been here 7 years Ive made good friends and of course Ive made enemies,Ive fallen in Love once out here and I know that leaving him behind well be hard at first but if it was ever meant to be it would of happened.

Ive learned alot in this life..this short time of living here Ive learned more then I ever wanted to learn.Ive learned to deal with loss of losing pretty important people in my life and Ive also learned that time doesn't always heal all wounds.