The Rose..

As I started cleaning my basement out I came across a book and inside that book was many things I wrote down that meant something to me, in the back of that book was the rose I took from the day we put you in the ground.

That day was almost 7 years ago, 7 years ago I talked to you daily, then one day someone took that away from me.
Then the next thing I knew It was a couple weeks after I got the news that would tear a big whole in my heart, the news that you were coming home, in a box.
March ... was the month we had to say our final goodbyes , and there would never be a dry eye in the whole town.

I looked down at the rose and remembered exactly that day I took the rose and got down on my knees and cried, I got on a plane that day and they asked me if I could put it in my purse or my carry on .. I told them I just had lost my soldier so no I was gonna keep it in my hands tell I got home, back to Vegas I went.
I put it in the back of the book a couple days later so I would never lose it, I would never not have that part of you with me.
Its a rose, Im not really sure why I feel like that rose symbolizes that part of you like I took that part of you with me, back to Vegas.

Its been 7 years since I have even given that rose a thought, you on the other hand is on my mind every day every second of every single moment of my life.
When I came across that rose, I was in shock, And it was like a flood of memories of that day, that moment the moment I would never see that face again, I would never see that smile, or feel those amazing one of kind Schuyler Hugs..

There are so many things that are going on in my life that I wish I could talk to you about and I wonder where we would be if you didn't die.. If you weren't taken away.
They say it gets easier but I still miss you every day and wish you were here with me.

I love and Miss you Schuyler <3 font="">

A Look into..

As I sat with a friend talking last night about what I had gone through since I was 19, the people I have lost and even talking about losing that part of me, I didn't see hurt in his eyes or even sadness for me, I saw respect that I could pull it out all on my own.We talked about the stress in our lives, Our Jobs and the careers we have. I told him alot about how I got to be the person I am right this second. He told me that he was happy that I had dug myself out of my whole and made it out all on my own. For once when I told my story I didn't get awww thats so sad or painful. I heard respect in his voice and he told me his story, It amazed me how long it had been since I had someone listen to me with respect and someone I wasn't related to see that all the stuff I had gone through had gotten me to right now. I told him about my friendship with Abby and how I wish I could change the moment are friendship turned sour and fix it. I told him about how some of the life I led in Vegas, we talked about our Economy. Talked about how afraid we are for people more and more losing there jobs and people losing there homes. 
I didn't tell him everything but I did realize that he is the first person. I've been comfortable enough to tell things to since I lost Schuyler. Sometimes our conversations get a little off topic and we jump on to something else but not much different then telling Schuyler the stories .
It was funny to me how much I feel a part of me can trust him, and well that scares me more then him knowing about my past,or the kind of person I was. 
The need to tell someone else about my past about the person I am right now so they know that I didn't just come to be this way. Guarded.....
I told him that once I lost my grandpa and Schuyler I was a mess and I soon fell into depression that I had to find a way to pull myself out. I also told him that it took me a year to do it,A year of Depression.. and when I said that I didn't see pain in his eyes he just simply looked at me said You learned you had to pull yourself out and find your own way and sometimes god puts people in your life and things you least expect for a reason. 
I know looking at that reason now I understand or at least a part of me does, But back then years ago I would have said they were crazy, and that I couldn't get why god would do this..
But talking to him telling him things I don't share with many others made me believe that I could learn to trust again or atleast let him in slowly.. Very slowly..
For a hour and half we sat and talked.. It was nice , The time ran late, but it didn't seem late It was nice to have a conversation,It was nice to see the one sitting across from me starring into my hazel eyes and his blue eyes starred back at me..  A look into my past, his past..A Future of the unknown..A great Conversation..It was what we both needed..

Thoughts of a New Year,My hopes,My dreams..A Love..or Nothing..

In most of my blogs I talk about how much the past has hurt me, I know im not the only one that has lost people , But since I was 19 Ive lost some of the Most Important people in my life, I talk about my heart ache because I don't want to bother my family with it, and the people I used to talk to about it is no longer here. so i write it calms me down and in some ways it helps .. Just like talking about it helps ..
I don't always have things to say, most days I'm quite and that's not because I'm single and there's no one to hear me , Its because in my mind ..its racing and I cant get to pen and paper fast enough to write it down. 

It probably helps that I keep to myself, I'm a outgoing person but I'm also a hermit I like my alone time, but I also like to be surrounded by people .. Some times more then other times..

This year I want to know that there's a man out there, that wants to settle down with me, I can talk to when I need to vent, a man who lets me be exactly who I am. I'm not complicated but I like certain things and stubborn and hard headed, But If I can find a man I don't have to chase for once and I don't have to make the first move then Ill be happy
I had that once .. A man who loved me, A man who wanted to build a home with me, wanted to start a family with, and It always comes back to that.. Did my opportunity get taken away ,is there someone out there that well love me unconditionally like he did, or was he my happy ending and I missed my shot now that hes gone?
For the first year I thought I missed my chance and every now and then when I get down I think that was my chance and its gone.. I think that there's someone out there ,, god has something else in store for me, maybe I didn't lose my chance , maybe my chance didn't die with him, Just maybe i wont end up dying alone maybe I well get that house in the country, a good man to love me and a family. But I'm 32 now it get even harder as I age to believe there's something out there waiting for me.
I want to believe I don't want to give up, and in time I may but for now Ill go head strong like I always do and keep believing there's more out there for me then..well ..Nothing..

Another New year,same old Me..

2016

I started the new year like most years before, working and no one to kiss at midnight.
It doesn't always bother me to be single,its those moments , the kiss at midnight when the ball drops,or just realizing that I'm 32, still single still alone..

Most years when the new year starts I'm working, so nothing really changes and its 3 days in of the new year and Nothing has changed.

2015
Not much in my life happened, I hit 4 years at my job, I've been back in town for 4 years now, my grandpa Don passed away in 2015 that was the hardest part of my year. Saying goodbye is never easy and it was even harder knowing I would never get to say Grandpa again without realizing mine both have left this earth and went to Heaven.

Back to 2016 I don't expect much and I don't make any goals for the year, or what they call new years resolutions , I have goals for life and alot of them i have accomplished but my hope for my life is that I do find someone that can put up with me, someone who can handle that I'm independent ,that i do things my way,that I'm picky beyond belief, That Im hard headed and stubborn at times but i have a huge heart ,and all I want is to find someone that can handle all the woman I am,,

2015 I had my ups and downs just the part of life
2016 lets hope I can make it to 2017 here's to a new year and the same old me

Thoughts..Realization...The truth we sometimes Forget..

Our first holiday without you..

Sure I've been down this road before, I've already lost one grandpa so not having you at a holiday was different.But This year was the first time i've ever had to say This was my first holiday with out my grandpa's...

I sat at the table that once was my great uncle Sonny's and Aunt Lou's, and looked around the table..so many empty seats.. One grandma was away in AZ with her sister , and the other one was with her daughter in Iowa, where we should have been especially since it was our first holiday without you.But who was i to tell dad that we should be there and not alone.. I couldn't leave them stranded on a holiday especially since I was going to help mom do the cooking.I mean really what would have been the point of me moving back home and not celebrating a holiday with them,..

Even though this holiday didn't go as it had in the past, or even the best holiday we've ever had I still missed the ones I've lost along the way.

Today I stopped in the store , to pick up a few things Deodorant, and creamer two very important morning essentials two  very separate necessities haha,..two things I just cant start my day without.

I stood behind a man who had to be in his late 80's as he paid for his gift card, waiting to sign his check, with no wife standing next to him , no kids or grandkids pushing him to hurry up, I thought of my grandpas.. There were very few times in my life that i recall standing with my grandfathers in the stores, but then I thought of all the things they did for me, the small things they did for me.. I may not recall all of my memories with them but I find myself jealous of the people surrounded by me that still have there grandfathers in there lives. I stood there patiently and quietly and just smiled as I starred at this sweet old man as he walked away I felt my heart grow a little bigger remembering just how precious life really is, how much time you miss, and all the time growing up you think of leaving your family home, of venturing out on your own, to come back to the small town you grew up in , and all while trying to make a name for yourself and get back on your feet you work so much you exhaust yourself and every once in a while you remember you cant take it with you ..So take the time to call your family, your loved ones your friends and spend time with them even if its just a five minute conversation on the phone or a half hour visit.. Make it count and remember there not around forever and neither are you, No ever knows when there time is up..

Happy Birthday Dad ..60 wow..!!!

Today November 4th 

                                   60 Years ago you were born..

his mother,(dad)(Tony) and his sister Di

Brother and Sister 

Aunt Anita,Dad,Grandma and Aunt Diana (on grams bday)

Today I have the pleasure to be here as you turn 60 

The Three Trouble Makers...
Rich,Mike and Tony

Amazing enough for the past 31 years of my life when it came to your bday you've always said its just another day.And Of course you never want a gift because why ? (in your own words IF I WANT SOMETHING I GO OUT AND GET IT..BECAUSE I CAN)(sounds familiar?) so this is my bday gift to you..haha (something you would have NEVER guessed) 

But here we are ready to celebrate you being 60 and being retired.

Dad,His mom,his sisters Diana and Anita

To me your not just my Dad,..
Your the man i look up to, the man who I would come crying to when I skinned my knee
or needed my car worked on, The man who has raised me to be the woman I am today.

A back in the day Picture (Mom,Me and Dad)

Mom,Me and Dad (you can't tell I was a daddys girl at all) (ya right)

Over the years we haven't always had the best relationship, we fight Literally, we yell ,we walk away because most of the time one or both of our tempers have gotten the best of us.. 

But through it all I've always respected you, and Loved you . 
I may not have or may not always say it but I am lucky to have you as my dad.
I look at you and mom and see that you miss your fathers no matter the relationship with them how much you miss them and I don't want to think back at what should have been or what I should have done better .No regrets ...

One of the Ultime great Pictures we have together  this explains us to a tee!!

You are so many things to me, your my protector, My Hero , the man who raised me, a tough guy, a hard worker (though sometimes you may never say it) A man who taught me that hard work and sacrifice is what well get you to be one of the hardest workers and maybe even get you to the top of the ladder one day. Your obnoxious on a good day ;-) .. a pain in the @$$ but we love you just the way you are, no matter how many times you annoy me laugh out loud :-) I'm sure somewhere in the father hand book it says wake your kids up at the crack of dawn, make them go to bed by 8pm, make them carry in wood and take care of a dog and pheasants lol .. Nah thats not in the hand book that's in your book,You know the one you always ask me if I'm writing? lol

Hard Worker (hard workers multi task) lol

Thank you, for showing me respect,hard work and how to take care of myself. I may not have everything you want for me or have everything I want for myself yet but with the determination I have to always make you and Mom proud know that when You didn't think I was listening know I was,when I yelled at you for spanking me as kid know it taught be respect,and remember when I argue with you know its because were so much alike that we clash, I never want you to think I don't love you ,I always love you, I wasn't raised to disrespect. I love you even if its not a daily thing I say know no matter what I love you even when your old and grey and I have to push you in a wheel chair no one could love a father more then the girls you raised. 


There are many things I could come up with, many things to say but you wont sit here long enough to read through them all (how do i know that ? your attention span is no bigger then a nat ;-)

Work Hard PLAY HARDER ;-)

Your wedding Day 

True Love

so what you really need to know is I RESPECT you, I LOVE YOU , and I COULD'NT HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER DAD THEN THE ONE I GOT BLESSED WITH,.. 

Dad being..himself..NOW RUN!!! 

So to the only man in my life who loves me unconditionally and does it not only because he has to but because he loves me just the same.. I LOVE YOU DAD
Happy Bday Dad .. I hope when Im 60 I look this Damn good lol!!

Some say were Twins ..they Might be right..

With all the Love you can stand .. and your no picture taking self ( I had a heck of a time finding all of these now I need a new one ;-)
I Love u .. I love you Daddy 

Impossible.... 7 Years..

 Everyday I wonder , what your doing, every day I wonder if your happy,I wonder if you met one of your favorite actors (John Wayne) 
But what I don't wonder about is if you miss your family or not..
that without a shadow of a doubt would be a dumb question.
I think your happy, your not suffering anymore, your with parents and loved ones we have lost before you. 
I need you to know when you died I was mad, I was so angry with god for taking you, and I was mad with myself because It had been over a year since I had saw you last, I was angry because I didn't get to say goodbye. I remember a few days before calling and getting to talk to you , I said I love you Papa, and u said I love you Hedo. those were the last words u ever said to me. 

My world like many of our family members crashed around us the day you left us. 
I was still living in Vegas, and I remember the phone call from my dad saying you were gone.
I remember sleeping on my couch that night , I remember going to my bf's and asking him to help me get through the pain, take my mind off of it so we played Monopoly , and he did what he thought was best way to comfort me by playing this game , and giving me his sweatshirt to wear when I came back home so apart of him could be with me,  
I remember getting on the plane ,with my uncles and almost being late for the plane. I remember sitting on the back of plane, listening to music and keeping all my feelings inside so I could be Strong for my Uncles and my mom when i would see her.
I remember driving into Kewanee, I remember getting out of the car and going to yours and grams house, I remember starring at it, walking in seeing people all around, the house was packed. I remember looking at your chair and wondering where u were as bad as I wanted to go to your room and tell you to come out and join the fun i know somewhere deep inside my heart i knew you were gone.
Then the rest of the week is a blur.. they say that grief is different for everyone, there's five stages of grief , I remember leaving and going back to vegas, I remember returning to my life, and I remember small things breaking me.. I would hear a grandpa on tv, or see a old man with a cane, or see a grandpa and his granddaughter and I would break, I broke down,.. 
i remember every time I had car problems I wondered what my life would be like if you were there to come and fix it for me. 
I remember talking to a friend of mine who was over seas in Afghanistan fighting , I remember the talks Schuyler and I had about missing you, he took good care of me for 4 months he talked to me everyday and made sure I laughed, then like you he was taken from me.. 
In the matter of months I lost 2 of the most important men in my life, and I was a mess. 
After that I lost a good part of me, a good part of who I was, who I am. 
I never thought I would be back to normalcy , I tried everyday to move on, live my life the way i know you and him would both be telling me to do, but It was too much, It was too hard..
A piece of my heart broke when you died, and then another big chunk of my heart was broken after losing Schuyler, I lost myself for a year.. 
Here I am 7 years later and though I've picked up the piece of my life I still miss you more then I could ever write on here... (Writting here helps me get through the pain,helps me move on.)
 There isn't a day .. A moment in the day that I don't think of my Papa...

The man who built me and my cousins a tire swing,the man who gave me my nickname Hedo, the man who smiled even when he was sad, the man who spent 14 years of his life fighting to stay alive for his Wife,his Kids, his Grandkids.. His Family..
Even though he never got any great grandkids I know if he would have he would have loved them just the same.




So to my Papa.. My friend, My Hero.. 7 Years seems like a lifetime ago.. Some days like today it seems like it was just now happening .. I well forever love you, and I well Never forget you . I love you Papa and I cant wait for the day when I see you again .. Until then when you miss us just look down from the heavens and let us know your watching ..

 Until then our Hero you are..