I just want to be ENOUGH

I want to be enough for you

I want to be enough for a guy who wants to spend his precious time with me, Im not saying every single second of everday because lets be honest, I cant handle the concept of everyday.
Ive tried relationships , Ive tried one night stands, Im not afraid to admit that I want what a want, Im deathly afraid of relationships and every where I look , I see couples and then I see me.Alone..

I want to find the one , Ive tried Ive looked at my past and wondered if there was something I was missing.Sure I had bad relationships and sure Ive had good ones, Life has never been simple and Im a girl who can take care of herself and speak her mind to boot, some guys are scared of my dad, some are scared of me,,..theres many reasons Im single , The biggest one is because I cant seem to get fully through losing Schuyler.
I try my best not to look for Schuyler in there faces,his similarities of what I miss about him, in them but its hard when you cant get over feeling the One for you has already been taken..

Ive tried looking in my past and even reconnected with a old Highschool Crush , hes married now but we had our fun way before that..
Then there was my other High School crush from Annawan, Joey.. I have thought hes been a cutie since we were freshmens, hes got a lot of the same interest but hes so quite and shy that its hard for me to crack open that tight net shell hes got , and we talk once or twice a year for the past few years, its funny when we reconnected, hes easy going and a hard worker, but his quietness drives me crazy. I like spending time with him but Nothing ever happens, its like were two awkward teens that don't know what to do with our hands or anything really.
Thought beer would help, losing him up.. shit nothing works lol.
We are literally like two teens who are straight up good kids , Virgins if you say, we don't touch, we've never even hugged LOL..
sitting on the same couch used to be difficult LOL,. insane I know were in our 30's...LOL



But in so many ways I just want to be Enough again, Its been a long time where I felt I was enough for someone, With Schuyler it was easy we could talk for hours on end and some times we did, he would make me get up and not change cause he said I looked beautiful just the way I was not that Im a girl that gets up and puts on makeup but I always felt comfortable enough, with him I was Enough..So trying to see if I can find that again with someone has been difficult.

Sure Ive come across great guys, I was really lucky with my first Love he was amazing, he treated me with respect, and like a princess, But as life went on so did we. We went our separate ways, I dated and been in bad relationships, I never came across anyone else that made me feel enough until Schuyler, But I have to believe somewhere inside my heart that there is someone out there whos waiting for me, who knows I am going to be Enough for them, weather thats Joey or The little red head I love spending time with , or someone I havent yet to meet, I know as much as I have given up hope of ever having that feeling back I know somewhere out there, Ill be enough for him ..
Atleast I hope one day I'm enough for the one that I'm lucky enough to say is mine and Hes Enough for me as I am enough for him.

All I really want is to Be Enough..

8 years today

8 years .. How is that possible


8 years have came and gone, and here I am remembering , I do that alot , not just on your anniversary of your death or your bday, but everyday I remember so many good times with you, our chats, and those amazing hugs you gave to me.

8 years ago so many lives got turned upside down, Mine included I never expected it to end the way it did. I remember talking to you on the 22nd , and then the 24th hit and I got a text message, I remember calling my family to see if it was true , and I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe, my heart was breaking and I didn't know how to stop it. I remember going to work that night in a fog , I remember going to my office , and just sitting there, I remember my boss and my assistant manager coming in , and I just sat there and then I cried as I told them what was going on, they sent me home that night, and I drove back in a fog, I don't recall much after that but tears running down my face , and checking my messenger to see if you would come on and it would all be a lie.

8 years..

So much has changed ,so much has happened, 8 years seems like forever ago.. But moments like the memories that flood my mind of that moment I found out seems like its happening all over again. I know Ill never be the same. I changed the moment I found out you were gone..
Ill never forget you know matter what happens in my life..
You well be with me forever.


I love you And I Miss you Schuyler <3 p="">

In Real Life..

Every day someone loses there life, a loved one .. etc
There's no phone , no skyping , no face timing in heaven
In real life there's no second chance to say I love you
There's no time to waste, in real life, there's no time not to say the things you've always wanted to say..

In movies, or tv shows there's always that second chance, that person comes back, but in reality
you have one chance to fall in love and stay in love, one chance to say I love you and mean it,
One chance to wake up and be positive, and thankful that god woke you up today.

Our life is not a movie or a reality tv show..even if sometimes they try really hard to make us believe it can be. You have one chance to show the people you love them, because let me tell you in a instant it can all be gone, you could wake up tomorrow and that person you wanted to say those three little words too could be gone, or you could be, so say the things, you wanted to say, be who you want to be, and tell that person you want to be with them or you love them. Don't waste time on what could have been, our lives our not a script, there not a movie or a tv show.

Live your life, Don't over work yourself , enjoy your life because you cant take it with you.
you've heard this before.. Don't waste time, tommorow is not guaranteed .

December 20...today

Today I turned 33

My Mom told me the story about how she went to bed the night of the 19th, and woke up feeling like she wet the bed, ( I said well that's gross lol) she said ya I thought so to,
she said I recall saying my water broke and dad said well don't just lie there get up, lol
she said it was freezing cold that night, snow on the ground , and I was coming a month early.. I was suppose to be born in January.

8 hours or so after her water broke, I was welcomed into this world at 6:46 am December 20,1983.
and back then the mother and baby stayed in the hospital I was brought home on Christmas Eve in a stocking that was way to big for me, but I was there Christmas gift.. The best one she said they ever got.

Never thought I would be where I am today, at 33.

So much in my life happened after I graduated from High School in 2003, I went to live in Las Vegas, and started a life out there, and my career .
I went to college and graduated with a Culinary associates degree.
 I got to know two of my uncles who left when I as just a youngin, and I got to learn from a lot from chefs I worked with. I met some of the best people and made some of the best and long time friendships. I don't regret that part of my life or any for that matter at all.

33..

But today December 20,2016 I turned 33..
Im home now, buying my first home, new job, meeting more people, new sets of friends. Life has changed so much in the years. Some good some not..


Now its a day before I turn 35... dec 19,2018
 How is that even possible? i like my mom didnt think Id make it to my late thirties because of the life I was leading as a teenager and the recklessness I did, the stupid shit I did. Of Course I don't regret it that would mean I would regret my life.
When I lived in Vegas there was alot of work and whole lot of partying especially once I started going to the clubs it was all i knew for quite some time.
Its funny now You wouldn't catch me in one unless its for a bachelorette party or bachelor party or something lol.
Last time I was in a club it was for Pio and Williams wedding party, and it was enough fun that I can recall it all and still say I had TOO Much to drink that the next day I spent a good portion of it in my bed at the casino hotel lol, and in the dark..

 what 34 looks like on me ..

So what do I do the day before I turn 35? I workout a little harder, and then I go to work.. I do what I always do. Mom says this is a big one, I wish I could say at 35 I was married and had a kid or one on the way, But life hasn't turned out that way for me. Not sure it ever well and that makes me sad, because Ive done all I wanted in my goal set I graduated from High School 2003, I went to college and graduated in 2005 ( I believe lol) ,with a associates degree in Culinary Arts.
I moved away and then I moved back home, I've bought a home, and well own in 2 years.
But No man in my life.. no kids.. that's the disappointing thing about turning 35 I don't have much time left..
But for now Ill work on me.. and if love ever comes my way again, I hope I get it right one day.

Atleast I can I made it to 35,happy with myself and my life. Sure I want the husband,the kid,a pet, a bigger house, a garage, a bigger kitchen .. etc but I'm happy with what life I have built..
Maybe one day I'll get to be happy with a guy I've had my eye on for the past 4 years, whos my friend..Before he decides I'm not good enough for him.. I know that sounds bad but I can see him and me together, but I also think he wouldn't chose me, I cant even get him alone for longer then 5 minutes,so.. It just seems that way to me.
Until he decides to change it with me,or not Ill still be living my LIFE MY WAY..,

I never

 I Never really gave it much thought............. growing up.. 
Sure I had the dreams of One day having a gorgeous piece of land to live on 
a farm, somewhere I could build my house from the ground up, a place to have all I ever wanted a Huge kitchen, a swimming pool, and hot tub in the back yard that u can use year round, Yes even living in Illinois , I wanted enough land to ride a four wheeler on, and I wanted land for my dad to hunt on, a dog to call my own, but a husband, Kids.. Sure I wanted them but unlike alot of girls i knew I didnt have there names picked out ,or even wonder if my husband and I would grow old together. The truth was, I wanted all of that in my dreams but the family part still scared me. 

When Schuyler died i thought about the kid we could of had, I thought about the dreams him and I shared and the life we could have had. I would have given up having a family and kids if I could have him back, but there are no deals with god,theres no plea bargains to ask for. If there was I would have found a way.

I miss him always, Its hard to think that Life we talked about wont be the Life Ill ever have with him, Its hard to think I'll never get to see his face again, But Its been 7 years, My life has changed in so many ways since that fatal day in February..
My dreams I had with him went up in smoke all the things we talked about gone.
Alot of My Memories died with him as well, I try to get back there, go by a place we were, or see something I told him about and wish he was beside me , and remembering when he was.
My heart shattered the day he left this earth and I believe that no matter what happens in my life I well always wonder what if.. 
If I ever find a man to love me like he did, or get married and start a family Ill always wonder what if .
I miss him more and more everyday its hard to believe thats hes been gone for 7 years, there was no warning one moment I would be waking up to hearing his voice on the computer or the phone and the next someone was telling me he was no longer with us, Its hard to think that I've woke up everyday for the past 7 years wondering if its all a bad nightmare I cant wake up from..

I never thought I would have to live my life without him, but here I stand 7 years later, without the one man who knew my secrets, my ins and outs of my everyday life, and loved me anyway.. I never knew Id not get that chance again to say to him I love you, or I miss you, or Ill see you soon. So many I nevers, the biggest being Ill never see you again.. I just wish this was a nightmare and I could just wake up from..

I want to be the only Girl you well ever need..

I want to be the girl, you bring home to your parents
I want to be the girl that you think about at the end of a long hard day,.
I want to be the girl who you wake up thinking about
I want to be the girl , who when you need someone to listen too you choose me
I want to be the girl, you call your best friend
I want to be the girl, that when your lonely you call me up
I want to be the girl, whose hand fits in yours perfectly.
I want to be the girl, who you Love to Kiss for hours.
I want to be the girl, when you hug me you don't want me to leave.Ever
I want to be the girl, who looks good in your T-shirt.
I want to be the girl,that you get down on one knee and propose too.
I want to be the girl, who you go home too.
I want to be the girl, who you Marry and start a family with.
I want to be the girl, the girl you call yours forever..

I want to be the Only Girl you well ever need..

Memorial Day 2016..

Another Memorial day has passed by, and another day without you, I go day by day, and I wonder why my life had to keep moving forward when yours was taken away from you. I had so many expectations for us, we had a life together we wanted, we wanted to be with eachother, forever.

Now I have to hide my forever feelings because so little knew about what our happy ending looked like.
when you first were taken away, I blamed all my hurt on everything, I yelled ,I screamed, I cried,, I did it all,
Now when I think of you I don't cry as much as I used to and its not because I stopped Loving you, or stopped missing you because that well never change my heart well never fully heal without you here with me by my side..

Like many years before on Memorial Day, I thought of all that people around the world that has lost, I know I'm not the only one, There has been so many that had gone before you and after you. But like these years before I go by a flag and I clench my heart,tears form in my eyes, and I hear you say your last goodbye to me. I might have forgotten some things that have happened but my memories r with me, and I write so it helps so one day when my memories fade away and I cant recall my own name I can look back at this and remember the man who died doing what he wanted to do, A man who was protecting his country for the ones that he loves, My friend , My Love , my Forever Hero..

So like many years before, and every day I want you to know I'm greatful you paid the Ultimate Sacrifice, so people like I can still be here today, I Love you and I miss you.. 

For every Soldier that has paid the ultimate sacrifice and left your family and friends Thank you.. God Bless you. I well forever be thankful for every single Soldier past,present and the future..

To the One Man who well always be known as My Hero, My friend, The man I Love, My Best Friend..Sgt Schuyler Patch 

There well never be a day that I could ever forget you, that Smiling face is with me always I'm so sorry we did'nt get our Happy Ending but your home now,So you got your happy ending even if it wasnt with me..

 I love you.. 7 years is way to long. I miss you always ..