Happiness


For the past two months, I've had this uncontrollable Happiness written on my face,Its funny to say it,because now its gone, and I don't understand,the pain is familiar but new, I've been hurt before, I've been sad for longer then I can really remember so the happiness was something I was understanding something new, Now he says he needs space for himself. I feel left out and not sure where to put my pain, I feel sick, my heart is breaking, I don't know how Im suppose to feel but I know I feel like I shouldn't be hurting, I feel like I don't know how to live my life, I've built myself a life I understood single, then things changed,and I got used to being his, having him there, listening to his voice made my heart melt, goosebumps when he touched me, I started letting him in, and giving away a piece of me, that I haven't done in years.

I don't know how to give him time, When we started, I kept telling myself don't let him in, don't let him be something too much, don't let him take away a smile if he ends up hurting you, You learned to Love yourself, let him learn to know you this you. I feel sorry for him because the girl he knew back in the day isn't the same girl I am now, when he knew me as a kid, I never expected we would be something more then childhood friends, he didn't either. That's what made our relationship so easy,because we did know about each other, and we were getting to know each other now as a adults.

Now I'm not sure where to put this amount of pain, Im dealing with,, I don't know how Im suppose to just not talk to him ,when I spent the past 2 months talking to him all day long. I don't know how Im not suppose to hurt, how am I suppose to understand any of this, I just cant.

The first thing I want to do in the morning is text him and know i'm thinking of him, and then get one back makes me think hes thinking of me too.. I told him I wasnt going anywhere and I pray he believes me when I say it,because I really don't want to, I know he needs his space, but that is the part that's killing me.
For the first month we had a hell of a time being apart for more then 24 hours some days we couldn't even make it 6 hours without missing each other, then when he returned back to work, I had to deal with waiting tell 5 o'clock to see him, we both could tell we missed each other a lot, so that's why this time apart was getting to me, is getting to me because its barely started and I hate it, I want to see his face, i want him to hold me, All I want is to kiss and hug him, know that as much as i want all of that his hand in mind knowing he's there, knowing I'm not going anywhere...I just want HIM.. I don't want to figure out this life without him in it.. I don't want to go back to all that loneliness of living my life alone, living but not truly living..
I wish I had the answers, I wish I understood the pain, a little clearer, I know it was fast I know, our relationship went fast, but it was easy, It was fun, it was simple just being with him, talking to him for hours on the phone, sitting on the couch talking or just listening to him breathe or snore, I miss all of that,because I don't want to go back to nothing,.

I did the single thing for over 8 years, and I was honest about not knowing if I could handle the relationship thing,but it was easy with him,My heart wasnt scared,I wasnt afraid, even though I kept telling myself you need to slow down,you need to let it all sink in first. Now I'm hurting, more then I should be, he let me in,he let me into his home, his boys lives, into his ,into his bed, his family. My family,my home, my bed.. My life isnt the same without him in it.I want him to understand I'm not going anywhere but I want him to know I want him back, what we had .. I don't want to do this life alone not anymore I found what I feel is whats best for me, I don't want to feel like I'm meant to be alone forever.. Even though this is what I'm feeling right now and that's that i'm destined to be alone forever.. I hate that feeling.
The saddest over welms me, and I break, I talk to him but its not the same, I miss him.
We have had lunch twice, and it never seems to make me feel any better, I miss him so much,I want the life we started, But I'm trying to be patient and god knows i'm not, I miss him, His boys, the life, his family.. The smile on his face, the smile on mine.. I miss all of that and I hate it.
I go to Hook, and I wish he would show up, I dream of the things we talked about, and wonder if ill ever get that back.
I want that happiness back, I want him back .. good or bad I want him.

I'm so tired of thinking that I don't deserve happiness,. and all i ever really deserve is loneliness and sadness.
But its the way I've been feeling for months..
I miss that smile on my face when I got a text from him, or a random call, I miss hearing his Smile on the other end of the phone.
I never thought I would feel this way, I got too used to being single, he changed that and then broke that tiny part of my heart that was left.. I'm so tired of feeling like sadness is all I deserve.

Don't I deserve to be happy ? Don't I deserve to be with the man who made me smile so big my face stopped hurting when I smiled that much,? Dont I deserve happiness or is not in my cards for Happiness was I right all along.. Am I always gonna feel this way?
I want it all to end, everything he needs I need him to figure it out, so he can get back to Happy... To me..

February

                                                                   -February-



This month for the past 10 Years, has been a heartache, February 22,2009 Schuyler and I had a late night chat, well late for me morning for him, I was at work and we had talked all day,every chance I got.. February 24,2009 I woke up to a text message I never wanted.. Asking me if I heard, Asking me if I knew... I still lived In Vegas,my life had already been thrown off course in October and Schuyler was the only one I talked to about how I felt losing my grandpa we talked about all the ones we had lost, how heartache is always with you.We talked about it all he was the best when it came to listening. He made me smile when I felt like all I could do was frown.. He gave the best hugs..

This month 10 Years.. How is it that even possible , one minute he was turning 25 and we were joking about how old we were. The next hes gone, Its still so hard to come to the conclusion that he wont walk through the front door, or he wont call me and say Heather I love you.
I cherish the moments I had with him,because life without him now is so different.

I used to think if he saw me now he wouldn't recognize me. Maybe he wouldn't , I've changed alot, but in alot of ways not at all..

With this month slowly coming to a close, I get closer to the day he would be 35, February 17...
Its funny because after I left vegas, i met a great family , two brothers both born in february.. I asked there bdays and was in relief when neither told me theres was the 17th or the 24th..
They remind me alot of Schuyler, they both have a trait I always saw in him, and they were and are former ladies men..

I laugh sometimes when they do something that makes me think of You Schuyler because you would probably get a kick out of them too, and then question why I ever liked you lol.. No just kidding but they do try to get me to smile weather its cause I need it or cause they just aggravated me enough to make me want to punch them lol,I try to always keep a piece of you with me, and I well until I say my last word and meet you at the gates..
So today's one of there birthdays ,(Feb. 16) he is a busy man, But he does make my heart race..He smiles and it seems as if for a moment everything washes away. Hes the single one, and a ladies man, for sure, But like a fool I cant help but fall.. I haven't given my heart away ,not sure I ever well again,I've been on enough roller coasters called Love that , Being single has stayed at 1st Place.Not even sure I would know how to be in a relationship these days,. Him and I are friends and I feel as bad as I want more, it well Never happened , I do my own thing and see him when we can, I know my clock is ticking and Im 35 now (you shhh u r right behind me lol) I can't say I don't want a husband and a kid ,because that would be a lie, I want it more then i've ever did. But it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Part of me is okay with that,the other not so much.



In a way I feel meeting them, was a destiny I was meant for. Sure they both drive me crazy,and a times my hair wants to get pulled out. But when you died, I lost a piece of me that I'm sure I could never fix or find again. Then I got to know them, and a piece of me that I thought left with you, came back. I wish you were here.. Everyday... But wishing it doesn't make it come true. I love you and every year when this month comes around I honestly hate it , I wish it would all just go away.. But times moved fast enough, I'll never get another Bear Hug, I'll never get to see that Smile that could brighten up the worst of day, I'll never get a unexpected call , and I'll never get to hear you say I love you Heather again..
Don't you ever think,for any second that I'm not wondering what your doing up there, And Don't think I dont miss u every second of every day. I wish you were here more then I could possibly explain,Just don't forget me,because when I'm at my lowest I need you to wrap your wings around me and tell me your here. What I wouldn't do to be with you one more time to tell you one more time how much I love you,how much I miss you..
I go on with my life, just like you would tell me to do, I know your safe,I know your protected,I know your Whole..

        There was Never a LOVE more then the one I had with you,because you were my friend first,My biggest Crush and my deepest Love.



-Time doesn't heal the wounds, It only makes the tears lessen..-



10 Years have come, and soon it well be More..But my memories of you , well probably fade in time,But My heart has you in it forever.. I may say your name less and Less.. But I love you always..



-To the Man who I had the BIGGEST Crush on, to My Friend who loved me anyways.. To the man with the Best Hugs, the Ladies man...There well never be Another You.. forever My heart <3 p="">


-Time well tell all the truths,all the fears,Time is just time fading away..Love is whats Forever..

Happy 60th to this Amazing woman We Call MOM

                                 Happy Birthday Mom!

   You've said it a time or two before you never expected to make it past 30, But today your 60, Sure you've had a heck of a life, had ups and downs,and all in between you say that sister and I are your accomplishments and that you hope we are better then you, But what is better then a mom who would do absolutely anything for anyone, talk to anyone in a line at the store, or someone on the street just because for a second they might need someone to chat with, or literally stop someone from screaming like a Idiot at there child who just needs to be talked to like a normal person, or giving your shirt off your back because they needed it. That woman is you,I've seen you walk in and talk to anyone,I've seen you stop a yelling fight of a Parent and a child and tell that parent to talk to them like there a human being,I've seen you help your dad, and father in law when they needed picked up because they fell. Your beyond selfless..

There are so many accomplishments that I've lucky to have seen, You've been an amazing woman , and a roll model that sometimes I personally think you dont give yourself any credit for. You made a hard choice when you married dad, had a to carry a lot the day you said I do, he came with what Ill call baggage, But you picked it up and ran with it.You made a beautiful family with what you had to work with,and I thank god everyday that dad chased you until you gave in lol..

Having you as a mom hasnt lets be honest..easy, You knew everything,and when I wasnt fighting with you, I was in the back of my mind always saying I hope that One day I get to be the mom and the woman she is.

You don't let any one knock you down,You fight for what you want and what you have ,no matter how many times Im sure youve wanted to knock people down and out, you didn't. You could but you didn't.

Strong as Nails,Tougher then She looks,Smarter then she gives herself credit for,More beautiful then she knows,and the most Honest woman you'll ever want to encounter..So so much more..

Shes Ma to her friends But to Sister and I shes Mom. shes are toughest critic, are go to,Our Friend,our shopping partner,are shoulder to cry on, OUR MOM.

This Picture here explains my mom in more ways then just by drinking a Old Milwaukee, this is proof that she is her Fathers child.. 

She would say He taught me right ;-)

 

There are a tons of things I can say ,But today I want you to know your not Only special on your birthday your special everyday and Sister and I are lucky to call you mom, and dad is lucky to call you wife. Happy 60th mom I love you to the Moon and back..

To my Forever Friend.. not a Day goes by..

I thought of you today, but really that's never anything new, I saw a picture of you today, on facebook and I got tears in my eyes, Its amazing how long you've been gone I still half expect you to walk through your moms kitchen from your downstairs room, and ask me what we were gonna do today, we said we would make memories as Adults as we did as kids, now Im here and your not, my Heart breaks when I think that we don't get to have that, We said we would raise our kids together like our Moms did, but you started early and its all we have let of you, how is that right? because it doesn't feel right to me. I wish I could call you when I need you, Instead I talk to myself and wonder if your listening, I go to your grave sometimes, and wonder if you watch and listen as I talk, I don't feel you there though, I would go to our hill but too many people would wonder what I was doing, and crying on the side of the road doesn't seem right either, I know your in heaven , I know your with Katie Woods and Schuyler Patch and Uncle Dipes, and so much more ... But its not right, Nothing about your death has ever been right... You are suppose to be here , not me screaming thinking why you got in the car that night, why you drove, and then screaming saying were not INVISIBLE no matter how many times we did that, No matter how many times we knew it wasnt right, I get that pain in my heart alot, I wonder why I have to lose so much,
 I've lost too much.. 
Im sure your saying stop crying, Im in a better place, were still friends and I know you miss me. 
But Ill Never forgive myself for not healing our Friendship before you left this earth. 

The World is getting crazier, people shooting eachother, crazy storms, Kids bullying eachother so much they kill themselves or Others.. 

15 Year Reunion is coming up , Im not taking the night off, It wont be the same without you, Its been 14 years for you, how is that even possible. Your son is in High School and he hasn't had the easiest life, but he has many people that love him, he just doesn't get the love of his mom.. You should be here. God took one of the best when he took you..

That night haunts me, I wish I was there to stop you from getting in that car, I wish that you didn't have to go through that pain, it was instant i hope, and you felt nothing I'm sure Uncle Dipes was there to greet you as you walked through heavens Gate.. and if I know you at all , you were saying how did I get here, all the wrong all the bad I did how am I here.. But as much as you raised Hell, picked fights, won and lost fights, you were still the girl god wanted to let into his Kingdom im sure of it..
I still wish I could have been there to hold your hand, tell you everything was going to be Okay.. Most Importantly I wish I was there to say I'm sorry... I'm sorry for the years of friendship we never made up, Im sorry for not being that bigger person and saying .. JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME,,.. I would have told you the truth even though I knew you already knew it..I know deep down we both knew the truth, But it was Highschool we had changed , in so many ways, but I know deep down you always knew the truth, at least that's what I tell myself.. because anything else, just hurts..

There well NEVER be a day in my life where I don't miss my best friend, Wish you were here with me, so much has happened, so much i want to share with you. I miss you Ab's .. Keep trucking on in Heaven.. My forever Friend I love and Miss you dearly..
Until its my time..Ill keep missing you and remembering all my memories I have of our Unique crazy friendship .. I hope when its my time you greet me at heavens gate Until then,..

To My Class of 2003..

15 Years...

               

                A look back.. Do you ever wonder what happened to those people who were by your side for 4 years, walked the same halls, studied in the same class rooms, talked to eachother in the hall ways, played sports or even partied with them..

I got my 15 year Class Reunion paper in the mail, I had a feeling it would show up sooner or later, We never had a 5 year would have been a drunk fest anyways lets be honest. Or a 10 year .. But after it all they decided 15 years why not come back to the halls you once walked, see the faces of the People "You used to know" and tell them about your life Now.

I thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that Nahhh no thanks. Im 34 now, seeing the People I used to know, see if they turned into bigger Idiots,Snobs or just deal with people I just dont want to. The ones I see the ones who have been by my side for almost 20 years like Ashley DeRycke (Coontz), Casandra Pegram (Swearingen) Kim Heene (Currier) .

Sure have I lost touch with ones I wish I never did, would seeing my best guy friend (back then ) Ben Smith be different after all these years, would meeting his wife be better then being just a memory I look back on? would getting to See Andy Ebert and finally meeting his wife be nice, all the above yes, Some friendships are ment to last the toughest of times, some fall through the Cracks, some just dont last.


I Never look back and wonder if my life now, is what I wanted 15 years ago when I was hugging my friends goodbye and hoping and praying all I can do was pack up and leave.
Do I want the Husband.. The kids.. Of Course but am I going to be looked at different now, going there and seeing people who Judged me then Judge me NOW no Way..They Never got to put me down then and Years later I can look at alot of them and say I'm better then you ever thought possible.

I've dealt with more pain , over the past 15 years,then those people I used to walk the hallways with, I'm not that Girl anymore, Sure would I like to show them that.. Girl
That Short hair, sport playing,Tough Girl,who never thought she would go to College ..Did that and More..
-I Moved away
- I Graduated College ..Culinary Arts
- I had my own apt (2)
- Moved back to Illinois
- Moved into my house that I well own sooner rather then later
I may not have the Fancy House, the Husband or the kids but I'm still Me for all that I have done and accomplished I can say that with ease.

15 Years..
In the past 15 years I can sit here, look back and say My best friend has been gone for 14, her son is in Highschool now, she should be here celebrating our 15 years especially since she worked so hard to graduate, to move on with her life after those Halls..But a tragic accident happened, and I no longer get to share those moments with her, Live the life we always said we would have,, Still be her Best Friend..

Abby Dana was our Classmate, she was taken way To soon,.. I hate to look at us now and wonder who else is gone so Soon..

15 Years ago we all sat in the auditorium, laughing at our friends around us, Not listening to anything we were suppose to be doing, wondering when that Bell would Ring so we could get on with it.. So we could sit in our Senior Assembly ..:Listen to the jokes they would tell the songs that would play, and watch the video of our Incredible 4 Years ..Watch as the Picture slide would go by, and cry as we said our goodbyes to the ones we knew would never see again. Hug the ones were sure would always be by our side always, make promises to stay friends no matter where we went from there,Say our Final Goodbyes.. and our Last I love you's to the best friends you had for the past 4 Years, and wonder if anything would ever change..

As I sit here and Ponder 15 YEARS  has went by, I think wow where did that time go, the other part of me says, Maybe Ill go after work if anyone is still around, the other part of me says not much has changed,, those people you haven't hung out with, the ones you said you would never not be friends with well there all still there where I left them, They all have there Own lives now, and Hopefully for the past 15 Years they have done some Growing up..

So to My Fellow Classmates of 2003 (I haven't said that in awhile lol)

Happy 15 Years

We can Happily and Proudly say 15 Years later,where here Cheers !

Last Ride

July 14,2018



Its been almost 10 years, well for this ride it has been 10 Years
Schuyler was brought home almost 10 years ago,
So on this day we marked our 10th annual and final ride,





It was peaceful,but sad,Memories flooded my memory of the day we laid him to rest, as we drove out of town going to where they picked him up, the flags blew,my heart was pounding,The flash back of that day, coming into town with my grandparents who picked me up at the airport,the ride into town , as I sat in uncomfortable silence, the moment I met mom and we walked to the park,.. it all came back.
As we were at the airport I was fine, I was talking and looking around at all the Bikes,the cars.. everything..

As my sister did her best to talk to me all the way back to town, The Flag and Fire truck in a small town did me in, It was so kind,and a amazing to see the people in town, as we got closer to town, My heart started back up again I was reliving his funeral line.. the day we left the school the parade of cars we were in , the people on the side of the road, Our little town was coming together ONE more time for our Fallen Solider..

We rode into town, and my sister talked, I heard nothing but the sound of the wind as I rolled the car windows down, I heard my heart thumping as if it was about to beat its last..
I sat quite,and as tears started to roll down my face,I felt the pain all over again..

I took pics and tried my best to wipe the tears, Andrea kept talking, then I said I didn't know this was gonna hit me this hard,she said I know..

Then I stopped and said its funny cause, Its been 10 years in February, and I still have my moments ,I relive the moments I got to share with him, and I even laugh at the silly stuff he used to tell me.

So I told her a memory of when he told me and her at one point that he wasnt scared of our dad he was more afraid of the Nyert Girls ,, and we laughed.
She shared a memory or two of him and I said I knew today would be hard, But I thought I would make it through. she just looked at me, and said I know.. so I said I thought It would be worse I thought I would be uncontrollable , But I know deep down he wouldn't want that .

As I did my best as we made it to the cemetery a place I have been to so many times, I watched people show up, I watched people gather around his gravesite, and I smiled as I talked to a friend of his and a old friend of mine.

His sister talked,and she said so many nice things, as I watched his family, and as I listened to people talk like his best friend Jarrod who I had gotten to know because of this painful heartache we shared of losi
ng someone we loved so much, I remember meeting him the day I went to Schuylers dads house, he came up to me and hugged me as If he knew me, and in a way he did. He let my mom introduced me, and he said I know who she is ,Schuyler talked about her all the time, he loved her.. Ill Never forget those words, and Ill forever be thankful that he told me those words.
As I listened I knew Schuyler was listening too, he was watching us , when we rode that final ride home, a place that had so many memories for his family and friends, he kept the rain at bay so we could do this ONE LAST TIME.. He was smiling as they went and celebrated his Life .. and probly laughing at me saying you couldn't get out of work lol..
His name isn't a name I often speak of ,because some days it Just hurts..But he isn't just a distant memory,hes taken a piece of my heart when he left,He may not be thought of every tiny second, but hes thought about.. My life would be different if he was here, but there's to many what if's in that sentence. 

As the day ended for me at the cemetery and off to work i went as everyone else went and Celebrated the end of the RIDE,..
I left knowing nothing changed, his memory forever well be with all that Loves Him.
He well Never be forgotten, and Ill always LOVE him.

To My Friend,To My Soldier, To My Hero.. To the Man I Love, to the Man I Miss More then Words can say I Love you Schuyler ...
Rest in Peace my Love.. For you well Never well be forgotten
Sgt. Schuyler Patch<3 p="">

The day my Baby sister says I do June 23,2018..

Today was a ordinary work day, I went to my job ..Busy as all get out. When my phone goes off a few times, to busy to really care, I see my sister minutes later with her boyfriend in tow.
She said Sissy .. I said whats wrong.. my heart was beating fast like a drum, what was wrong now what happened.. my mind racing. Rob asked me a question and I said yes .

her hand had a huge diamond on it, I was undeniably in shock,I didnt say much, I may have muttered out Congratulations,but I dont know.. . I had to get back to work we were busy I didnt have much of a choice.

The Day I found out my only sister was Engaged, 6/17/2017

I kept thinking wow, is this really happening , then she said we picked a date, we started the engangement pics ,and they got the hall for the Reception.
Reality was smacking me in the face, My only sister..My baby sister was gonna be married, and More and more I thought im still single, well I always be this way, .. whats wrong with me, am I happy for them oh ya for sure, do I wish I could be married before her ya, its the only right thing im older. lol

Today 7/17/2017 were going for her first look at the dresses her first appointment to start trying on her dresses ..
As we sifted through dresses, pinning ones she liked, I kept thinking wow this is Real.. My baby sister is getting married.

The other side of me kept thinking this well never be you .. You well always be a bridesmaid, or maid of Honor, Its not that I dont think I deserve a Happy Ending its, Just that Im so used to being alone, Im too set in my ways.

Dress shopping was Successful she found her dress .. The reality kept coming, shes got the guy, soon she well move out of mom and dads,and soon my baby sister well be a married woman.

We went dress shopping for myself and mom, no luck for mom yet but I got my dress, still waiting on to retrieve it , but I got the dress, the color and its long which I wont lie I'm surprised I like short dresses, I like showing off my legs, But this was the only dress a really liked on me and was something close to what sister wanted, Way to long of dress shopping if you ask me I like shopping as much as any other person but trying on dresses drives me Nuts.

We just recently went to my cousin Jason's wedding, he like Andrea got lucky they found there happily ever after.Hes also one of the younger ones. Still he found what makes him happy, and when it was all said and done and our family was all here It was amazing, so nice to have them all together, Next they well all be back for sisters wedding,And the reality well hit me in the face a few more times before that, like looking through there pics, I'm slowly putting a scrapbook together, and I keep thinking wasnt it just yesterday that my parents were telling me I was going to be a big sister...

Next year well be you two..




Today its a week until my sister says I do..6/16/18
Everything is sinking in my to do lists, my moms, my sisters its all becoming a reality hitting me in the face my family well start coming home Thursdays..

Don't get me wrong I'm excited for my sister,but I keep thinking this should have been me, I should have gotten married first, and it stings a little more when the one person I want to accomied me to the wedding cant. But that's what I get when I think there's even a little chance ,..


The week of the wedding has come and its almost over, the 60 lbs of potatoes, and 11 cartons of eggs..and many Mayo containers and One Huge relish jar later.. we have countless bowls of potato salad , so the rest well be easy.

My wish for my sister as we do the set up and finish getting prepared that she remembers this is a once in a life time experience and this is nothing easy about it, marriage either.(not that i have experience)

One more day, My sister well officially be a Hofer , Im happy to be standing by her side as she gets ready to say I do, and she doesn't seem nervous at all,which is good by all means!

True Love well conquer your fears, and No more well your heart break,You've found the one who is your forever,Be happy, and know forever he is by your side.


To my Only sister on her wedding week..
To my only sister on her wedding day..
To my Only sister I am so Happy for you.
To my only sister I  Love you so Much.
To my only sister you r leaving me with the Nyert last name,but I wore it first Ill wear it last.
To my only sister You have always been my best friend I LOVE YOU More..

I well Never think that anyone is good enough for you, I well protect you until my last breath. I well fight for you, and with you until my last breath .I well always Love you, I well forever Hate Sharing you with anyone. I well be there for you through good and bad. You well forever be my Baby Sister.