Writing a letter .. Helped Heal..

     
                                       Have you ever just sat down and wrote a letter to some one you miss, and even though you know they well never get it, you still write it and never mail it because there is no address in Heaven, but a part of you thinks they are reading it anyways?
When my grandpa John passed away I sat down with my trusty pens and my notebook and began writing ,something inside me had thought that if I kept writing it would make me feel better it would take the pain i felt for not being there , for not being by his side when he passed , by being millions of miles away, and it being a whole year since I saw him and hugged him.

 It didn't instantly take my pain away, but writing gave me a way out, it gave me the courage to come home and stand by my mom and grandma and be strong for them.
I wrote to him while I was home, I thought of memories him and I shared and I told him about how life was going all the things I wasn't ever gonna get the chance to say again.
For awhile this became a part of my daily routine so I could get through the days without him there, without balling my eyes out and not being strong.

When I returned to my daily life back in Las Vegas, I did all I could to get through the days and I started to believe he was still there that week had only been a bad dream I hadn't woken up from yet. I could do that because I wasn't there, and I could believe he was just napping when I called and talked to grandma like I did every day.

When I talked to Schuyler it helped , he knew I was sad but he always did his best to keep a smile on my face, he did this everyday we talked and I told him I should be the one keeping a smile on his face because he was the one that was in Afghanistan fighting a war, and I was just at home missing everyone . I started to bury myself in work I took every open chance I could to work, so I couldn't think or at least not about grandpa , and how hard of a time my grandma was having along with the rest of the family,

Schuyler always kept a smile on my face and he said I did the same for him but I would laugh and ask how because really all I wanted to do was cry. He made me feel alive again , and he made me happy, we would talk about us , about our dreams, we would talk about anything and everything and sometimes we would just sit there a smile at eachother, he was what I called my angel here on earth because he made me happy when I just wanted to cry.
4 months later , he was gone.. he was suppose to come home in April for a leave from the war, but he never got that chance I had planned to surprise him, but I never got to do that either.
After losing Schuyler I didn't think writing would help, I believed that nothing would, and for the longest time I believed I would never be the same person again. In many ways I'm not.
I wrote to him though I shared my daily details and cried a lot, I never realized how much writing helped  me heal in a way you wouldn't think. Writting for me was theropedic .

So for months I started writing letters to the Love ones I've lost , and it helped me heal, I dont think its for everyone but it helped me get myself out of depression.  Slowly I stopped , but not because I stopped missing them just because,I started writing the blog and It helped me heal just as much.. But every once in awhile I get out my note book and look at my pictures and I start writing them and telling them how much I miss seeing them, how much my life has changed since they have left. I have always said what I have felt and I have no filter (at least thats what ive been told lol) So when I write its everything I'm thinking everything , Everything I was feeling.
I'm glad writing has helped heal in a way I didn't expect so I don't take it for granted when I need it Im happy its just a pen and paper away .

Losing Someone..

Every moment someone around the world loses someone, we all know pain, we've went through the hurt, the loss of losing the one you love the most.

I had lost family members but it was there time, but..
My first huge loss was my Best Friend she got killed in a car accident , I was angry at the world, I was angry at god how could he take someone so young away from me from her family, she just had a baby boy , how could he take her out of her sons life. I didn't know it at the time but I went through the stages of grief of depression of the pain of losing my best friend.

I could yell at the world and for most part I did, I hated mostly everyone I came in contact with , because they were still breathing and she wasn't.

I was angry at god because he took someone so young, so loved and he just took her life.
But as the time went on I still questioned his move, why did he take her, why her why someone so young, But I never got the answers , he never told me why and I still to this day await that answer why take someone who had just really begun her life, her life as a mother, as a daughter as a friend. As my best friend.
 I was angry at myself because I never fixed our friendship before she was taken, I was angry because I was to stubborn , I was angry because I wouldn't get that chance again . I was angry because it wasn't me.
I yelled at god and at myself for a long time, its not that I wanted to die, but she had more to live for then I did, all I was doing was going to college she had a life to build a baby boy to raise. They needed her more.

Every moment someone loses someone weather they are old or young, and you always feel the pain the hurt, you see the pain in there eyes the loss of there love one , People say time heals your wounds, But its not true there still there, they well always be there, you cant forget what you lost, nor would you want to, You may stop crying and only shed a tear once in awhile, You may even start to smile but that doesn't mean you forgot about the one you lost. Just the opposite actually, 

The pain of losing someone is always there, The loss well always hurt, you well never forget them, they might not be your first thought everyday , But they are there, in your heart, forever..

2010 to Someday..

Wrote 6-4-2010

They told me one day I'd stop crying,Soon the tears I once shed daily , and my heart would stop breaking..Id slowly let my heart mend itself from all the pain I've been so deeply feeling.
I know now that my heart well heal but there will always be a place my heart is permanently broken,Because your not here with me.You've been taken to a place I cant see you daily,or here your voice. I can only feel the warmth of the tears that run down my face, and I wonder if your looking down on me from time to time saying It well be okay again one day...

The Rose..

As I started cleaning my basement out I came across a book and inside that book was many things I wrote down that meant something to me, in the back of that book was the rose I took from the day we put you in the ground.

That day was almost 7 years ago, 7 years ago I talked to you daily, then one day someone took that away from me.
Then the next thing I knew It was a couple weeks after I got the news that would tear a big whole in my heart, the news that you were coming home, in a box.
March ... was the month we had to say our final goodbyes , and there would never be a dry eye in the whole town.

I looked down at the rose and remembered exactly that day I took the rose and got down on my knees and cried, I got on a plane that day and they asked me if I could put it in my purse or my carry on .. I told them I just had lost my soldier so no I was gonna keep it in my hands tell I got home, back to Vegas I went.
I put it in the back of the book a couple days later so I would never lose it, I would never not have that part of you with me.
Its a rose, Im not really sure why I feel like that rose symbolizes that part of you like I took that part of you with me, back to Vegas.

Its been 7 years since I have even given that rose a thought, you on the other hand is on my mind every day every second of every single moment of my life.
When I came across that rose, I was in shock, And it was like a flood of memories of that day, that moment the moment I would never see that face again, I would never see that smile, or feel those amazing one of kind Schuyler Hugs..

There are so many things that are going on in my life that I wish I could talk to you about and I wonder where we would be if you didn't die.. If you weren't taken away.
They say it gets easier but I still miss you every day and wish you were here with me.

I love and Miss you Schuyler <3 font="">

A Look into..

As I sat with a friend talking last night about what I had gone through since I was 19, the people I have lost and even talking about losing that part of me, I didn't see hurt in his eyes or even sadness for me, I saw respect that I could pull it out all on my own.We talked about the stress in our lives, Our Jobs and the careers we have. I told him alot about how I got to be the person I am right this second. He told me that he was happy that I had dug myself out of my whole and made it out all on my own. For once when I told my story I didn't get awww thats so sad or painful. I heard respect in his voice and he told me his story, It amazed me how long it had been since I had someone listen to me with respect and someone I wasn't related to see that all the stuff I had gone through had gotten me to right now. I told him about my friendship with Abby and how I wish I could change the moment are friendship turned sour and fix it. I told him about how some of the life I led in Vegas, we talked about our Economy. Talked about how afraid we are for people more and more losing there jobs and people losing there homes. 
I didn't tell him everything but I did realize that he is the first person. I've been comfortable enough to tell things to since I lost Schuyler. Sometimes our conversations get a little off topic and we jump on to something else but not much different then telling Schuyler the stories .
It was funny to me how much I feel a part of me can trust him, and well that scares me more then him knowing about my past,or the kind of person I was. 
The need to tell someone else about my past about the person I am right now so they know that I didn't just come to be this way. Guarded.....
I told him that once I lost my grandpa and Schuyler I was a mess and I soon fell into depression that I had to find a way to pull myself out. I also told him that it took me a year to do it,A year of Depression.. and when I said that I didn't see pain in his eyes he just simply looked at me said You learned you had to pull yourself out and find your own way and sometimes god puts people in your life and things you least expect for a reason. 
I know looking at that reason now I understand or at least a part of me does, But back then years ago I would have said they were crazy, and that I couldn't get why god would do this..
But talking to him telling him things I don't share with many others made me believe that I could learn to trust again or atleast let him in slowly.. Very slowly..
For a hour and half we sat and talked.. It was nice , The time ran late, but it didn't seem late It was nice to have a conversation,It was nice to see the one sitting across from me starring into my hazel eyes and his blue eyes starred back at me..  A look into my past, his past..A Future of the unknown..A great Conversation..It was what we both needed..

Thoughts of a New Year,My hopes,My dreams..A Love..or Nothing..

In most of my blogs I talk about how much the past has hurt me, I know im not the only one that has lost people , But since I was 19 Ive lost some of the Most Important people in my life, I talk about my heart ache because I don't want to bother my family with it, and the people I used to talk to about it is no longer here. so i write it calms me down and in some ways it helps .. Just like talking about it helps ..
I don't always have things to say, most days I'm quite and that's not because I'm single and there's no one to hear me , Its because in my mind ..its racing and I cant get to pen and paper fast enough to write it down. 

It probably helps that I keep to myself, I'm a outgoing person but I'm also a hermit I like my alone time, but I also like to be surrounded by people .. Some times more then other times..

This year I want to know that there's a man out there, that wants to settle down with me, I can talk to when I need to vent, a man who lets me be exactly who I am. I'm not complicated but I like certain things and stubborn and hard headed, But If I can find a man I don't have to chase for once and I don't have to make the first move then Ill be happy
I had that once .. A man who loved me, A man who wanted to build a home with me, wanted to start a family with, and It always comes back to that.. Did my opportunity get taken away ,is there someone out there that well love me unconditionally like he did, or was he my happy ending and I missed my shot now that hes gone?
For the first year I thought I missed my chance and every now and then when I get down I think that was my chance and its gone.. I think that there's someone out there ,, god has something else in store for me, maybe I didn't lose my chance , maybe my chance didn't die with him, Just maybe i wont end up dying alone maybe I well get that house in the country, a good man to love me and a family. But I'm 32 now it get even harder as I age to believe there's something out there waiting for me.
I want to believe I don't want to give up, and in time I may but for now Ill go head strong like I always do and keep believing there's more out there for me then..well ..Nothing..

Another New year,same old Me..

2016

I started the new year like most years before, working and no one to kiss at midnight.
It doesn't always bother me to be single,its those moments , the kiss at midnight when the ball drops,or just realizing that I'm 32, still single still alone..

Most years when the new year starts I'm working, so nothing really changes and its 3 days in of the new year and Nothing has changed.

2015
Not much in my life happened, I hit 4 years at my job, I've been back in town for 4 years now, my grandpa Don passed away in 2015 that was the hardest part of my year. Saying goodbye is never easy and it was even harder knowing I would never get to say Grandpa again without realizing mine both have left this earth and went to Heaven.

Back to 2016 I don't expect much and I don't make any goals for the year, or what they call new years resolutions , I have goals for life and alot of them i have accomplished but my hope for my life is that I do find someone that can put up with me, someone who can handle that I'm independent ,that i do things my way,that I'm picky beyond belief, That Im hard headed and stubborn at times but i have a huge heart ,and all I want is to find someone that can handle all the woman I am,,

2015 I had my ups and downs just the part of life
2016 lets hope I can make it to 2017 here's to a new year and the same old me